J.D.: Hey, Kim! Just checkin' to see if your socks are back on, since I knocked 'em off last night! Hello! What am I doing? You're the mother of my child. That is so tacky.
Turk: And so is this: Way to hit that, player!
J.D.: Right. Zoom.
Turk: Zoom.
J.D.: Zoom.
Turk: So sorry.

Elliot: Kim, uh, J.D. tells us that you're looking around town for a new job?
Kim: Yeah, I just don't think the department head here is ever gonna promote me.
Elliot: Why?
[flashback to Kim and J.D. at the piano at a party:]
Kim: Dr. Lemke! You're gonna love this. We're a husband and wife piano playing team, only I have no hands!
[J.D. plays piano. Kim joins in by hitting keys with her forehead]
Kim: With my head!
J.D.: How great is that!
Dr. Lemke: This is my wife, Sally. She lost her thumbs last month when our pet Komodo dragon, Morty, got out of his cage.
J.D.: On the bright side, you have beautiful nubs.

Ted: She's so beautiful. Can I hold her?
Carla: That's up to Turk. He's kinda paranoid about people dropping her.
[Turk throws a tennis ball which Ted catches in his one free hand]
Turk: Yeah, you got decent hands. Go ahead.

J.D.: So, Carla, how much time do you think you'll take off?
Carla: Oh, look at this little angel. I may never go back to work.
Ted: [slurps drink]
Todd: I heard suckling.

Dr. Kelso: Perry, a quick word.
Dr. Cox: Bobbo! No time! Gotta go tell Mr. Clancy that his tumor is benign. Is that not exciting? Should be worth a finski, what do ya think?

J.D.: Man, we got smoked. That's what we get for playing a bunch of Gs from the 'hood.
Turk: Those guys are Indian.
J.D.: So "Rajesh" isn't one of those cool black homely names like "Anforny"?
Turk: No, "Rajesh" is like "Steve" in India.

Turk: Why are we stopping?
J.D.: You always buy me a cotton candy after the game to celebrate my good sportsmanship.
Turk: Yeah, well, you know what? I can't be buying you stuff all the time.
J.D.: Yeah, well, I'm very close to a tantrum.

Vijay: Could you guys look at my shoulder? I tweaked it pretty good.
J.D.: Come on, Vijay, first you dunk on me and yell, "Who's your bitch!" now you want free medical advice? How did I not know these guys were Indian?
Vijay: I'll give you twenty bucks.
J.D.: I'm sorry, my friend, but that's just not ethical.
Turk: Done and done.

J.D.: Put that away, Turk. That's back-alley money.
Turk: Relax!
Man: Hey. I'll give you twenty bucks if you check out my rash.
J.D.: I'm sorry, cotton candy man, but unlike my friend, here, I have no interest in being sued for... Do I smell blue?
Man: Just added the dye.
J.D.: Oh! You crafty, crafty man. That is fluffing up nicely. [to Turk] Hey, give me some money, I'm jonesing for some c-squared.
Turk: Oh, you don't want my back-alley money, do you?
J.D.: You heartless bastard. All right, let's see your disgusting rash. It's probably just eczema. One blue, please!

Elliot: So, uh, Dr. Turner said that I am a very talented young physician.
Dr. Cox: Jordan said I'm the only man she ever wants to have sex with!
Elliot: Oh.
Dr. Cox: Aren't we sharing fantastic lies we choose to believe for personal reasons?