Dr. Cox: All right there, Blossom. Here's the hot gossip. You're having seizures again because you're not taking your medication. If this continues, you will be dead. And I'm not talking about the "Oh, my God, if I don't get invited to the prom, I'm going to die" type of dead. I'm talking dead dead. Is that clear enough for you? Because if it's not, I could, of course, "text" you on my blackberry or my blueberry or my Chuck Berry, although technically, Chuck Berry is a black Berry. The point is, you gotta stop wasting everybody's time and grow up. Is that clear to you, sweetheart?
Lindsay: Yes, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: That a girl. Barbie, feel free to kiss my ring.

J.D.: [v.o.] I guess there's a lot of things that can knock you on your ass. Like, for instance, when your seventeen-year-old neighbor doesn't see you as a smoking hottie anymore.
Jordan: Oh, Pedro? I can't seem to find my pencil. Do you have any idea where it might be?
Pedro: Oh, it's right there between your bosoms ma'am.
Jordan: "Ma'am"? Y- You just ma'amed your way out of me ever buying you beer again. "Ma'am"?

Elliot: I'll tell you why Lindsay's seizures are back. Her blood work shows her Dilantin is at zero. She's not taking her medicine.
Dr. Cox: What?! I'm gonna give that girl a serious talking to.
Elliot: With all due respect, Dr. Cox, maybe I should talk to her.
Dr. Cox: With no due respect whatsoever, why?
Elliot: Well, she's a teenage girl. That's an awkward time. You know, your breasts are growing... Not always symmetrically. Um, you like boys. Maybe one gives you a ride home. You think something's gonna happen, but it doesn't, and that just makes it official that you're a lopsided freak. Happy ending, though. Lefty caught up in college.

Janitor: Dr. Kelso, while I got you here, I need to discuss a hospital matter of grave importance.
Dr. Kelso: What is it?
Janitor: I'm not happy with my uniform.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, new janitor uniforms, top priority. Right up there with silk jammies for the patients and a cat door for the I.C.U.
Janitor: I made some sketches.
Dr. Kelso: This one has a cape.
Janitor: Well, it gives me the option of fighting crime. Yeah, after work, of course. Now, this one has sort of a medieval thing going.
Dr. Kelso: That's you on a horse?
Janitor: That's a steed, sir. That's for cleanup in outer space. This one is outer space evening wear. This one's just a kangaroo. Sometimes I draw kangaroos.
Dr. Kelso: You know, I could look at the demented crayon scratchings of a madman all day, but I got a hospital to run. Did you wax over there yet?
Janitor: No, sir. [Kelso slips again] I'll get a new uniform, or I'll wax everything in your world.

Dr. Cox: Oh, hey there. Wait till you get a load of this. They're giving me a teaching award tonight, so I'm gonna need you to go ahead and holster up the twins, since you'll be playin' the role of arm candy.
Jordan: Yeah, I'm not going. If I wanna hear someone go on and on about how great you are, I'll just listen to you during sex.
Dr. Cox: I'm hearing the hate, but I'm not seeing the hate. You... Oh, my god. Did you Botox your face into an expressionless mask?
Jordan: Pedro called me "ma'am."
Dr. Cox: Oh, damn it, Jordan, come on. Now, you know, I'm generally okay with you putting any poison you want into your body. But this is the first time I've ever won anything.
Jordan: It's not that bad.
Dr. Cox: Really? Show me happy. Sad. Silly. Amused. B-mused. C-mused. Show me angry. [Jordan knees him in the nuts] You got angry down.

J.D.: [v.o.] When we got to work, not a whole lot had changed. The silence was killing me.
Turk: You kissed my wife.
J.D.: [v.o.] I miss the silence.
Turk: Did you like it?
J.D.: Well, it's kind of a trick question, Turk. I mean, if I say yes, it's like I'm sayin', "Damn, dude, your wife is hot, and I'd like to get me some of that." But if I say no, then I'm all like, "Yo, I know she's your wife, but you can keep that fish-lipped bitty."

Turk: How about you, Carla? Did you like it?
Carla: No! His lips are chappy.
J.D.: I can't use lip balm. I always end up eating it. When I was little, I used to spread it on crackers.

J.D.: Turk, look, I'm so sorry, but you have to believe me. It was barely anything. It was barely even a kiss, dude. It was like an accidental lip bump, like, "Oops." [goes into demonstrate]
Turk: Don't even look at her. Sit on the floor!
J.D.: Sitting.
Carla: Fine. I'll show you with Elliot.
[meanwhile:]
Todd: Something wonderful is happening.

Carla: Turk, you know how I was so upset because you started calling your ex-girlfriend? I just couldn't understand how a married person could slip up like that. Now I do. I'm so sorry.
J.D.: Me, too, buddy.
Turk: Guys, as insane as this may sound, I'm actually gonna be okay with this. Just do me a favor. No more apologies. And no more explanations. And for the love of god, honey, no more girl-on-girl kissing demonstrations.
[meanwhile, in the cafeteria:]
Todd: Something horrible has happened.

Dr. Cox: Barbie!
Elliot: Yeah?
Dr. Cox: I have a finite amount of brain space, and your inspiring story of the little breast who couldn't just pushed out my memory of the 1980 Olympic hockey team's victory at Lake Placid. Miracle on Ice, [whistles] gone. Listen to me carefully. I know all about what it's like to be a teenage girl. Wah, wah, wah. Of course, I never had to try to convince my mother that I sure would've liked a naval ring.
Elliot: Oh, well, we were all going to Jamaica, and my friend Susie-
Dr. Cox: [industrial noises] Brain space.