Dr. Cox: Look, Lindsay, I'm real sorry if I upset you before. I truly am. I probably should've asked you why you stopped taking your medication, and to be honest with you, I was I was hoping you'd be able to give me the answer to that one right about now. So, Lindso, it must be kinda cool having the same name as that Lindsay Lohan. Gosh, she's super-cool. Just between you, me and the IV, I guess I've probably seen Confession of a Teenage Drama Queen, oh, I don't know, 3, 4, 5, 6 7, 8, 9 times. [chuckles] What a film.

Dr. Cox: That girl is a robot. I spent 3 hours in there and got goose egg.
Elliot: It's so odd that she didn't respond to you because you know so much about teenage girls.
Dr. Cox: All right, look, Barbie. I'm about to say four words that I've never said to you before, that I'll never say again. [whistles to others] Go on, get outta here. [to Elliot] I need your help.
Elliot: Fine. But I have three rules. One, when we're in the room, you say nothing. Two, I get to say whatever I want about you. And three, if you break rule one or two, I get to boing your curls.
Dr. Cox: What the hell does "boing" mean?
Elliot: [tugs one of Dr. Cox's curls] Boing.
Dr. Cox: Oh, god, this is gonna kill me.

Janitor: You gave me a cursed uniform.
Dr. Kelso: [laughs] It's not cursed. It's simply psychology. I chose robin's-egg blue because it has a calming effect on people and I knew it would be the thorn in your paw. Other colors evoke different reactions. For example, bright orange has been found to provoke hostility.
Ted: Dr. Kelso, I want to thank you again for the tie.
Todd: Fist five!
Ted: Ow! It's the third time today!

J.D.: [v.o.] Let me explain. Turk and Carla's marriage was in trouble because of some dumb stuff Turk had done, So last night, I took Carla out to smooth things over. Long story short, we smooched. ... It was barely more than a friend kiss, so we decided not to tell Turk. Or so I thought. ... Was it a comfortable silence? No. And I'm not going to be the one who breaks it. Unfortunately, I had one of Rowdy's hairs caught in my throat.
J.D.: [coughs]
J.D.: [v.o.] Uh-oh.

Elliot: Well, if it isn't the happy couple. Oh, and Turk's here, too. Okay, are we not laughing about this yet?

Elliot: I don't understand why you're butting in all my patients, you know, outside of your usual arrogance and god complex.
Dr. Cox: I don't know what you're talkin' about. [to another doctor] Kiss my ring. However, if you'd like to know about why I'm "butting in," it's because your young patient Lindsay here, when she was ten years old, I'm the one who diagnosed her with epilepsy. And now that her medication is no longer controlling her seizures, I'd like to know what's going on. Besides, over the years, Lindsay and I have developed quite a rapport. [enters room] Hey, Lindsay. What's up, girlfriend? [Lindsay rolls her eyes] See? Rapport.

J.D.: Hey, we're kinda in the middle of something here!
Janitor: This'll just take a second.
[The Janitor quickly changes his uniform]
Janitor: Nice, huh?
J.D.: Who gets a tattoo of a mop?

Nurse: Looking good, janitor.
Janitor: Well, thank you, petite lady.
Todd: Wow! That color really brings out your package.
Janitor: Thank you supposedly straight surgeon.
Janitor: It's a good day.
Ted: Hey, buddy. That's a great suit! [playfully punches The Janitor's stomach]
Janitor: Don't bust the new uni.
Ted: Little boy blue! Blow your horn.
Janitor: He didn't stop.

Janitor: Stop. This hallway's closed. You have to find another way around.
J.D.: Whatever. You got somethin' here, though.
Janitor: What's that?
J.D.: I don't know. You look so cute in your little blue outfit, I wanted to give you a tickle.
Janitor: All right, what the hell is goin' on?

J.D.: Don't worry, this will all be fine. You know Turk. I mean, whoever he blames will get the silent treatment for a couple days, then he'll make snarky comments for a few months, and then sooner or later, he'll be laughing about the whole thing. It's just like the time I slept with his family's cleaning lady.
Carla: [gasps] You slept with Toonie?
J.D.: I was staying in their guest room, and she was buffing the nightstand, and she just kept on buffin'.