Kim: So, uh, let's go. Um. Do you like kids?
J.D.: Of course I do! What about you? Any nieces or nephews?
Kim: Yeah, I have a nephew. Although he's forty-five. But occasionally I do have to change his diaper. He was kicked by a horse.
J.D.: Oh, no.
Kim: Yeah.

Kim: Now, how do you feel about adoption?
[fantasy: a mustachiod J.D. talks to a young woman at a bar:]
J.D.: So beautiful! I hope you keep some ice in this locket, 'cause you're making me hot all over!
Woman: Actually, it's the only picture I have of my biological father. D'you wanna see it?
J.D.: What? Oh! Sure! Uh, I'll take a look at it first thing tomorrow morning, huh?
[reality:]
J.D.: Yeah, I'm not a big fan of adoption.
Kim: You think if it's a girl, you'd doink her?
J.D.: I know I will.

[Jack flings dirt at Kim as he plays with a previously potted pant]
Kim: He's so sweet! [to J.D.] You put one of those inside me! What are we gonna do?

Turk: Hey, baby. I know things haven't exactly gone smoothly so far, but I promise you I'm about to make it up to you. I spent all weekend talking to my cousin who just so happens to be the world's biggest blerd. That's a black nerd. Anyway, he taught me everything about streaming video, and now, thanks to me, your sisters in Chicago will be able to witness the birth of our child live via webcam!
Carla: Turk, that's so sweet!
Turk: You know, I do what I do.

Turk: All we gotta do is wait for the cameraman to get here.
Carla: Camera man? Nuh-uh! No man's gonna me filming my pooter unless he's completely asexual!
Ted: Hello!
Carla: Oh! Hey, Ted! Cool.

Kim: J.D., we have to talk about all of our pregnancy options, even if they make us uncomfortable. There's one way of dealing with this that no one's mention yet. The A-word.
J.D.: I know. Appletinis.
Kim: Abortions. What?
J.D.: I thought that we could discuss abortion over appletinis.

[fantasy: Nurse Roberts' Jesus figure starts talking to J.D.]
Jesus: She's right, J.D. Every life is precious.
J.D.: But what if having this baby is a huge mistake for us?
Jesus: Okay, I'm gonna make this real simple: No abortions, okay?
J.D.: But what if-
Jesus: No abortions!
J.D.: Lemme finish! What if the parents were like abusive drug addicts who would neglect their kids?
Jesus: Oh, well, in that case it'd be okay.
J.D.: Really?
Jesus: [yells] No abortions! How are you not getting this!?

Kim: You know what's making this so hard? This relationship is so new, we can't tell if we have a chance of making this work long-term.
J.D.: You know what might give us an inkling? We haven't technically had sex yet. That might help us find out if we're on the same page, you know, in the boudoir.
Kim: Are you hitting on me?
J.D.: I'm sorry, I'm being an idiot, aren't I.
Kim: Nope. Clothes off. We're doing it.

J.D.: Yeah! All right, we are definitely sexually compatible. I'm putting that down in the pro "let's have a baby" category.
Kim: That's--that's exactly what we should do, we should make a list of pros and cons.
[fantasy: the Jesus figure once again talks to J.D.:]
Jesus: What did you two just do? Because I sure don't see any wedding rings!
[reality:]
J.D.: Laverne? Is this your Jesus?

Todd: Turk, I got your shift covered so you could hang here. Oh, and Carla, there's something I wanted to tell you... Great vagina!
Turk: So helpful!
Carla: Don't take it out on The Todd! He was just giving me a compliment! Thank you, Todd.
Todd: Hey, happy to say it.