Carla: So what's next, Turk? Because so far, I'm half deaf from a drum-line, I have no suitcase, and the entire hospital has seen Miss Priscilla! I named her after my high school art teacher.
Elliot: Oh, my God! So did I! Mr. Hebbler. "It's nice to meet you!"
Carla: Ew.

Kim: Okay, let me just read the last of the cons: We're not married, we're both totally focused on our careers, babies are known to be sticky, and the average cost of raising a child is four-hundred-thousand dollars.
J.D.: Okay. Here are the final pros: Kids are great, we both make good money, your boobs'll get huge, I can finally buy Beanie Babies without feeling weird, and kids are great!
Kim: Which we already said.
J.D.: Tax deductions! Oh, yeah.
Kim: Nice one.

Elliot: Okay, candles are all lit. Lavender scented, your favorite. And here's a picture of your mom to watch over you. And then I've got this kit in case you want to bronze the umbilical cord and use it for a keychain. I practiced at home on some calamari.

Kim: Let's split up for an hour and do some soul-searching.
J.D.: Where are you going?
Kim: Oh, I was just gonna walk around. Why? Where do you go when you soul-search?
[flashback to J.D. climbing on a unicorn toy:]
J.D.: All right, Justin. What should my specialty be, oncology or radiology?
[present:]
J.D.: I go someplace wonderful.

Turk: Look, Elliot, I'm really trying to be involved in the birth of my child, but you just keep boxing me out.
Elliot: That is not true. Now, outta my way, I've gotta order the birth announcements, put in the carseat, and find a yard to bury the placenta. Oh, my God, I'm a monster! Turk, I am so sorry. I just love babies so much.
Keith: It's true. Sometimes she makes me wear a diaper.
Elliot: Keith! Private!

J.D.: Should I have a baby, too?
Turk: You know, I'm a little preoccupied right now. Why don't you ask your unicorn?
J.D.: Ah, this is way over Justin's head. He's never been in love. Not real love, anyway.

Turk: Dude, help! I'm totally stuck!
J.D.: Why don't you just yank it out?
Leonard: I would not do that.
Turk & J.D.: That's how it happened!

Elliot: Ice chips! Ice chips! Ice ice! Chips chips!
Keith: Hey, guys. Carla, let me just see how far you can reach here. [holds out Carla's hand] Okay, perfect. Turk would like you to call him because he's stuck in an ice machine.
Carla: What?!?! [swings for Keith]
Keith: See, that's why I took the precaution.
[As Keith turns around to talk to Kim, Carla grabs him in a headlock]
Carla: Heh. Kim, would you be a sweetie and give Turk a call for me?

J.D.: So, have you decided what you wanna do? You know what, neither one of us should have to go first. How about, on the count of three, we both say what we think we should do.
Kim: Okay.
J.D.: One, two, three.
Kim: I got nothing.
J.D.: Appletinis.

Jordan: [to J.D. and Kim] You know, I had an abortion.
Dr. Cox: All right, Jacky, as promised, let's go find ourselves a 'lil stethoscope so you can hear what your butt sounds like.
Jack: Daddy, what's an abortion?
Jordan: Enjoy.