Elliot: Since your jaw is wired shut, we're going to give you IV nutrition for a couple of days, OK? Oh, sorry, you can't answer. It's like going to the dentist. I hate when they ask you questions and you have that stuff in your mouth, don't you? Oh, my God, I did it again. Dr. Greenberg. Doctor? What kind of doctor are you? I keep doing it. Okay, okay. Just act it out. Head? Shrinking. A shrink! You're a shrink. Wow, I can't imagine picking psychiatry as a specialty after interning as a real doctor. That didn't come out right. It's just my dad. He's a doctor too. He says therapy is for people with more money than problems. But then my dad says a lot of things.
Nurse: Did anyone page a nurse?
Elliot: No.
Nurse: It looks like his eyes are screaming.
Elliot: Please, we're talking. Where was I?

Carla: Look, you wanted to spend the whole night together. I can't leave my mother alone. She's frail.
[Carla's mother storms into the room with a cane]
Mrs. Espinonsa: [yells in Spanish]
Turk: Baby, tell her to put the cane down!
Carla: Mama, [speaks Spanish]
Turk: Tell her to put the cane down!
Carla: She doesn't want me to have men here because I'm unmarried.
Turk: Well, tell her I needed a place to crash. She doesn't have to know we had sex all night.
Carla: She speaks English.
Turk: Then what the hell are you translating for?
Carla: Because you don't speak Spanish!
Turk: Oh, ola!
Mrs. Espinonsa: No! No!
Turk: Tell her to put the cane down.

Dr. Cox: Hey, you should enjoy this while you can, Bobby. Because if your evil genie does grant your wish, and I disappear, the only person you'll have left to contend with will be yourself. And when you really get to know that person, oh, dear God, you'll scream so loud, Satan will want to rip up the contract you signed at birth just so he can get some sleep.
Dr. Kelso: Look at you with your stiff upper lip. I think I'm gonna miss that the most. [sings] Row, row, row your boat. Gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily...

Dr. Cox: Don't look her in the eyes, Newbie. She'll steal your soul. So, how are things down in the underworld?
Jordan: Good. And you? Still have a rollicking social life?
Dr. Cox: Since I cut you loose it's been one big party.
Jordan: In the next five seconds, name some place, other than the hospital and your apartment, you've been in the last month. Five, four, three, two...
Dr. Cox: My car! On the way to the big party.
Jordan: Ooh, that must have hurt.

Carla: You should get dressed.
Turk: I can't. It's still out there.
Carla: Don't call my mother "it". It implies you think that she's a monster. Now, get a move on, it usually gets up to feed about now.

Dr. Cox: She was never boring.
J.D.: What happened?
Dr. Cox: Well, you marry somebody just like your mother and then remember you hate your mother.

J.D.: Say "ah".
Patient: Ah.
J.D.: OK, say "oh".
Patient: Oh.
J.D.: Everybody say "Ah, oh, ah!" [laughs] Excuse me.

Carla: I'm full of crap? If you don't care about being suspended, why are you here? You may scare everybody else with those crazy eyes, but you don't scare me.
Dr. Cox: You use your mom as an excuse to not take chances.
Carla: You're never happy unless you're here.
Dr. Cox: Admit that you're afraid to live your own life.
Carla: Admit that losing this place would kill you.
Dr. Cox: We done?
Carla: That's all I got.
Dr. Cox: Crazy eyes? Low blow.

J.D.: Look, I know that you're on the board, and I have this friend. Well, he's not really a friend, he's really a mentor.
Jordan: Losing interest!
J.D.: Sorry. He's a- Wait, why are you dressed?
Jordan: Oh, I'm going to a party. I assume my tests are normal or else you wouldn't be chatting me up. But gosh, Huckleberry, I sure hope we can go down to the river some time and race frogs.

Ted: As legal counselor, it is my job to inform you that your suspension is effective immediately. [Dr. Cox looks at Ted] Oh, God, just the messenger. Your long-term job status will be decided at the board meeting. Until then, and I cannot bend on this, I don't want you setting foot on the premises.
Dr. Cox: I'm going to be here all day.
Ted: That works for me. That'd be good. I hope that works out.