J.D.: [v.o.] There's a lot of horrible things about being an intern. Long hours, constant stress, having to deal with death. But worst is the simple fact that the average intern has to disimpact 15 to 20 bowels a week. That's why there's a scared oath among interns never to make fun of each other for doing the things we have to do.
Elliot: Ha, ha. You have to touch someone's hiney.
Dr. Kelso: Dorian, come with me. And Dr...
Elliot: Reid.
Dr. Kelso: Sure, why not? Take over for him.

Dr. Kelso: Look for hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.
J.D.: What happened?
Dr. Kelso: Presyncopey.
J.D.: Oh, so this board member almost fainted? I'll fire up the paddles.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, Dr. Weisenheimer's back. How was your ski trip?
J.D.: Sir, I'm confused.
Dr. Kelso: You annoy me.
J.D.: Oh, now I get it.
Dr. Kelso: But you have a nauseating charm that everyone else here seems to respond to. Use it. OK, sport?

Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, are you getting younger?
Jordan: [scoffs]
Dr. Kelso: This is Dr. Dorian. He'll be looking after you.
Jordan: And who will be looking after him?

J.D.: I have to be honest, when Dr. Kelso said board member, I was thinking this like old, grumpy...
Jordan: That would be my father. He died.
J.D.: I'm so sorry.
Jordan: 20 years ago.
J.D.: Oh, I would have said sorry then but I had trouble with my Ss. [chuckles] I was five. Ss.

J.D.: So how are you feeling?
Jordan: Great, that's why I'm here. Listen, RJ.
J.D.: J.D.
Jordan: Like it matters. You seem like a nice, spineless, boy, so let's be honest. I'm here because it was the only way to end my beast of a mother's nagging pseudo-concern.
J.D.: That's sweet.
Jordan: So, do your little tests. But first, close the blinds, wash off whatever 8th-grade-dance cologne you're wearing so we don't add nausea to my symptoms, and I'll need lemon wedges for my sparkling water, which for some reason you have yet to get me.
J.D.: Okay, let me just-
Jordan: Doing things I want first. Your little tests later.
J.D.: Nice to meet you. [v.o.] I hate you.

Elliot: Merry Christmas! I mean, happy Halloween! Ugh, I am so frazzled. I did not sleep at all. In fact, I haven't really slept since I started here. It's so much pressure. I can't talk to anyone here. It's so competitive. I used to be able to talk to my mom, but now, I don't know, she listens, but she just never seems to hear me, you know?
[Dr. Greenberg holds up a piece of paper which reads "How does that make you feel?"]
Elliot: Lonely, depressed, overwhelmed. And sometimes I have no idea how I'm possibly going to make it through this.
[Dr. Greenberg holds up a piece of paper which reads "Pain pill"]
Elliot: Oh, no. I don't even like to take aspirin. I'd rather just... [he points to himself] Oh, you!

Janitor: [talking into a stethoscope] Is anybody up there? Up there up there up there I'm all alone down here here here It's cold. I'm frightened.

J.D.: Listen, you spoiled, bossy chore of a woman.
Jordan: I'm sorry. What did you just say?
J.D.: [v.o.] You're in now, go for it.
J.D.: I'm the doctor here. So put your gown back on, get back in bed and shut the hell up!
Jordan: No one talks to me that way.
J.D.: Well, get used to it, missy. Um, I didn't mean to be such a hard ass, just now. You can totally wait until I'm gone to put your gown back on.
Jordan: Take off your pants.
J.D.: Yes, ma'am.

Dr. Cox: Hello, Jordan.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, no, no.
Jordan: Perry.
J.D.: Perry?
Dr. Cox: You never heard that.
J.D.: [v.o.] I never heard that. I'm not here. And I don't have your ex-wife's bite mark on my neck.

J.D.: [v.o.] I gotta get out of here. Anger like this has a way of being passed on to whoever's closest.
Carla: Dr. Cox, I know you're suspended but you're the only one my mother trusts.
Dr. Cox: Not now!
[later:]
Carla: [to Turk] This is all your fault.
[later:}
Elliot: Turk, can I talk?
Turk: No. You can't. That's why they're called your problems.
[later, Elliot throws a coffee cup towards the janitor and misses the bin:]
Elliot: Sorry.
[The Janitor then hits J.D.'s pants with a wet mop as he exits the elevator]
Janitor: Happy Halloween. Maybe that'll teach you not to spy on people during their alone time.