Katie: Dr. Cox, I just wanted to tell you I really enjoyed rounds this morning. And I'm going to work harder so you don't just think of me as a, um, what was it?
Dr. Cox: A helpless, vapid, incompetent ass-kisser.
Katie: Actually, I don't remember the "ass-kisser" part.
Dr. Cox: That's cause I just added it now.
Katie: It's great. Makes it hurt more.
Dr. Cox: Great.

Ed: Dr. Cox! Got those test results for you, man. You were totally right about that old dude in bed four. Sy-Sy-Sy-Syphilis! I just- I used to be a DJ. Sy-Sy-Sy-Syphilis! Syphilis, syphilis, syphilis syphilis.
Carla: Wow.
Dr. Cox: Get out of here, Ed.
Ed: Right now?
Dr. Cox: Yeah. [to Carla] Come here. Why do I hate that guy?

Denise: You called me Jo?
J.D.: You don't like that as a new nickname?
Denise: Just a little butch. I like banging dudes, so...
J.D.: I've heard that's nice.

Elliot: Seems like you'll be a host to a variety of infectious bacteria or even fungus.
Turk: Plus, it's hard to look at. I recommend it's removed immediately.
J.D.: Forget it, you guys. I'm keeping the beard. Chicks dig on the extra fuzz.
Grover: Tell me about it. And you've only got it on two percent of your body. Hey, what is up, guys? Can somebody give me a high-four?
Todd: Coming at you.
Grover: No! [Grover is flung across the room] Four!
Todd: Grover five.

Dr. Kelso: Perhaps, the problem lies within. By creating false hatred for others, you don't have to face the fact that you really hate yourself.
Dr. Cox: Where did you get that, psychobabble?
Dr. Kelso: From some skank at the mall. I chill at the food court on the weekend. Donny, I'm out. [catches muffin] Want one? I got pull here. Donny! [catches muffin for Carla]

Elliot: Hey, what are you guys looking at? Oh, my God! Is it a picture of a poo?
Turk: No, that's not just any poo, Elliott. That's Izzy's first poo in the potty.
Elliot: Aww.
J.D.: I can't take my eyes off it. It's gorgeous. Uh-oh, I accidentally hit "Send".
[montage of people receiving the picture:]
Carla: Aww.
Janitor: They're back.
Dr. Cox: Jack's are bigger.
Ed: Just found my new screensaver.
Janitor: [to Snoop Dogg Attending] They're back.
[back:]
J.D.: My bad.

Turk: Okay, I want to thank everyone who applied. Unfortunately, I can only pick one. So Ed, congratulations!
Ed: Oh, sorry, man. I'm listening to Da Vinci Code on audio book. It's- It's riveting.
Turk: Ok.
Katie: Damn it.
Ed: [loudly] No way! That was that guy?

J.D.: [v.o.] For me, I was just hoping to figure out a way how to tell Denise that the first patient we were treating together was going to die.
J.D.: Listen, Jo. Mr. Fremont's scan came back. And, his lungs are covered in lesions. He doesn't have a lot a time.
J.D.: [v.o.] I was glad I was here because I knew it would be hard for her to deal with.
Denise: Huh. Sucks to be him.
J.D.: [v.o.] Or not.

Elliot: No sex for Turk tonight.
Carla: Done.

J.D.: All right, Denise. Here's the deal. We have to tell Mrs. Fremont that her husband doesn't have much longer. She's going to want us to do whatever we can to keep him alive. But we both know that put him on a respirator is just going to prolong the inevitable and eventually cause him more pain. So, I'm going to tell her the initial bad news. And then, I want you to come in and secure the "Do Not Resuscitate" order.
Denise: Okay, J.D.