Andy: You should try role play. That's what me and April do.
Ben: That explains the outfits.
Andy: Yeah, you gotta dream up some weird scenario like you're her boss and sex is forbidden because she works for you.
Ben: That is our actual situation.
Andy: And she's addicted to spanking.
Ben: Okay, thanks. We got it. We're good.

Chris: We need to find a new PR Director for the Health Department. Dennis Cooper was fired today.
Ben: Why?
Chris: Short answer, he went bananas. Long answer, his wife, Jan, had an affair, gave him a venereal disease, and so he put signs about her all through City Hall. I'm sure you've seen them.
Both: Oh, yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: "Jan Cooper will give you chlamydia, brought to you by the Pawnee Health Department." "Chlamydia affects nearly 100% of Jan Coopers." "The department of health congratulates Jan Cooper, Miss Chlamydia." "Jan, I love you. Please come back. I realize that I'm not blameless here. Please. Brought to you by the Health Department." "Re-elect Jan Cooper, Mayor of Whoreville."

Leslie Knope: Pawnee is looking for a new PR Director for the Health Department, and I submitted your name. You have an interview tomorrow at 9:00 A.M.
Ann: 9:00 A.M. wow.
Leslie Knope: Yes, I know. I couldn't get it earlier.
Ann: I'm... I am...
Leslie Knope: Grateful. I know. You can thank me later. But first you need to go over your homework. These are all the health initiatives the city has ever undertaken since the 1960s. So you need to partially memorize that. And it's gonna be a long night, so I got you some energy drinks and some chocolate-covered espresso beans and the book Freedom by Jonathan Franzen.
Ann: Why am I reading this?
Leslie Knope: Because I'm almost done with it, Ann. And I want to talk to you about Patty.

Ann: Okay, I've been a nurse for over 10 years. It's not something you just quit.
Leslie Knope: I understand. I just think with this new job, you could make a difference. Make real change happen. Plus, we'd be working in the same building. No more lightning-round catch-up sessions.
Ann: It would be nice to have an office.
Leslie Knope: This is your destiny, Ann. You don't want to waste away at the Pawnee St. Joseph Medical Center. and turn into her. And let's be honest, it would be nice to not have to pull strange things out of people's butts every night.
Ann: You've mentioned that before. That doesn't happen that often.
Leslie Knope: It happened once.
Ann: Just once.
Leslie Knope: That already is too many times.

Ron Swanson: Top of the morning, everyone. I brought some burgers and fries. Eat up. The protein soaks up the sugar. [whistles] First, you take the cow to the killing floor.

Ron Swanson: So, who broke it? I'm not mad. I just want to know.
Leslie Knope: I did. I broke-
Ron Swanson: No. Tom?
Tom: Don't look at me. Could have been Ben.
Ben: What? I didn't break it.
Tom: Hmm. That's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
Ben: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
Tom: Suspicious.
Ben: No, it's not.

Jerry: If it matters, probably not, April was the last one to use it.
April: Liar! I don't even drink that crap.
Jerry: Oh, really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
April: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Jerry!

Tom: Please. This is important. I'm launching my new high-end, Kahlua-style liqueur, "Snakejuice".
April: Sounds like you took a snake and twisted it like a rag until its blood and guts came out.
Andy: Ha ha ha. Eww.

Leslie Knope: All right, let's start with the personal stuff. How's Jessie?
Ann: Who?
Leslie Knope: The photographer guy.
Ann: Oh, yeah. We broke up. I didn't tell you that?
Leslie Knope: Mm-mm! Why? I liked him.
Ann: Yeah, I did too. I just... I couldn't deal with his face.
Leslie Knope: Huh. Do you think I could get that book back that I loaned him?
Ann: Oh, well, I'm technically "out of the country." So I would have to call him from a weird number.
Leslie Knope: Oh.
Ann: Sorry.
Leslie Knope: Never mind.
Ann: But I'm seeing this new guy, Mattias. You would love him. He's a triple pisces.

Ben: Uh-oh, looks like someone's gonna be late for her meeting.
Leslie Knope: I'll race you.
Ben: Really? Isn't that a little childish?
Leslie Knope: Oh, ha ha ha. Bye, Ann. Sorry, got to go. Hey, move! Oh! Councilman Howser, sorry. Nice to see you as always.