Tom: [aside to camera] The question I always ask myself is, what kind of mogul should I be? Fashion mogul, energy drink mogul. I even thought about downhill skiing. A mogul mogul. But a real estate mogul? Hmm. That's a hot mogul right now.

Tom: Video-Ron-demand. What you carrying, my dude?
Ron Swanson: The time has come to sell my cabin. But I haven't had much luck finding a buyer.
April: "For sale. Small house. Location: Forest." It's a little wordy, don't you think?
Donna: "Current owner will not clean up shotgun shells or animal carcasses." The hell is wrong with you, Swanson?
Ron Swanson: Fine, I'll clean up the shotgun shells, but the carcasses remain to fertilize my berry patch.

Ben: Presenting "The Cones of Dunshire," a brand-new gaming experience. 8 to 12 players. Two wizards, a Maverick, the arbiter, two warriors, a corporal, and a ledgerman. Now, the ledgerman just keeps score, and he wears this hat.
Leslie Knope: Oh, boy.
Ben: Now, the object is to accumulate cones. Four cones wins, but in order to get a cone, you have to build a civilization. The other amazing thing is the challenge play. Actually, let me tell you more about the trivia cards, 'cause you're gonna need to know about roadblocks first. Nah, never mind. The thing about the challenge play is that it's basically the game...in reverse. Then you roll three dice to see how many dice you roll with. Oh, 16. Perfect, lots of choices. Okay, each turn goes: Roll, buy, action. I mean, obviously, this would be much taller in the real game. But the corporal can veto. This should be green too. How did this happen? Are the cones a metaphor? Well, yes and no.
Leslie Knope: What is this called again?
Ben: "The Cones of Dunshire." Oh, my God, the Maverick should be able to trade lumber for agriculture credits. How have I not thought of this before? This is nothing, right?
Leslie Knope: When do you go back to work again?
Ben: Tomorrow. It's fine. I'll just throw this in the garbage.

Tom: So what's the story, Ron? Diane making you sell this place?
Ron Swanson: Not at all. Recently, I purchased a new cabin big enough for the whole family. I just can't justify owning four cabins. Two cabins.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: The new cabin I bought has a great tire swing for the girls, access to a lake for all the kids to play in. Plus, it doesn't have these razor-sharp perimeter defense planks sticking out of the ground.

Donna: [on the phone] No, thank you. I will let him know. That was that couple you liked at the open house.
Ron Swanson: I despised them.
Donna: Well, they just came back with a new offer and jacked that shizz up. Way over asking price.
Tom: Ron, who cares who they are? That's a massive bid. I'ma be a mogul.
Ron Swanson: I bought that cabin 18 years ago for $2,200. I do not care about the money.
Tom: I can't even understand what you're saying right now.
Ron Swanson: That cabin served an important purpose for me, as a quiet refuge from the nonsense of modern life. I'd like the next owners to understand and share that purpose. Find me someone like that, and I'll happily sell.

Tom: Good news. We have multiple bidders. That guy's getting his financials together. Plans on tearing the whole place down, just wants it for the land.
Ron Swanson: Why would he want to tear down a perfectly good cabin?
Donna: I think he's a developer, wants to put in a luxury glamp-ground. Glamping is "glamour camping." Heated tents, catered meals, wi-fi--
Ron Swanson: You're describing a hotel.

Chris: BFF slideshow? You know that even after we leave Pawnee, Ann will always be your best friend. And it's not that long a trip.
Leslie Knope: Well, it would be even faster if the governor would return my calls about my Pawnee to Ann Arbor bullet train idea.

Donna: If you really want to unload that little horror cabin, you gonna need a professional to stage it properly. Lucky for you, I recently got my real estate license. Spladow! Check it.
Ron Swanson: "Regal Meagle Realty." [Donna mouths to camera] "Find your castle." Fine, I suppose I could use some help.
Tom: Yo, Donna, let me get a little skin in the game, maybe split that commission?
Donna: All right. Show me what you got. I'll split that commish.
Both: [sings] Split that commish.

Leslie Knope: You got my message about Jamm being a dinkhead?
Chris: Yes, but as city manager, I can't play sides. And I think all of our heads can be a little dinky at times.
Leslie Knope: Fine, but his is the dinkiest. And I would know because I'm keeping score. Ever since I started city council, I have gone head-to-head with Jamm 112 times. He has won 56 times, I have won 56 times. I will not lose our last battle. Will you help me?
Chris: [stands up] No.
Leslie Knope: Oh. The way you stood up like that, I thought it was gonna go a different way.
Chris: No, I can't help directly, but I am on your side. And I will assist you in any way that I can. Maybe I can mediate, like Dr. Phil, only qualified.

Ron Swanson: These people won't leave. One guy even looked in the bathroom.
Donna: Yeah, that means they like the place. If you just leave them alone, I think we might get some offers.
Tom: This evergreen scented candle should help put people in the mood to buy.
Ron Swanson: You could just open the door and let the actual smell of the pines in.
Tom: Trees are sticky, and they got bugs in them.
[Ron snuffs out the candle]