Leslie Knope: Are you coming to see me? Did you hear that I'm relaunching my campaign?
William Barnes: Actually, no, sorry. We weren't here to see you. We've been meeting with other potential candidates for city council.
Leslie Knope: Oh, really? So my campaign ends and just like that you find someone else and run theirs?
Elizabeth: Yes, that's our job.
Leslie Knope: I know. Good luck, but, uh, I just had a big meeting with my new advisory board, and they're brilliant and amazing. They're real killers.
Andy: Leslie, I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke everything.
Leslie Knope: Thank you, Andy. I'll be right in.
William Barnes: Well, uh, good luck, Leslie. Honestly.
Leslie Knope: Well, we don't need luck. We are a rocket ship. We are relaunching, and we're going to blast past your cann-- Huh, they're gone.

Ben: That is a three-legged dog.
Andy: His name is Champion, because he's the dog world champion.
Ben: Okay, I have to ask this, I'm sorry, but how many legs did that dog have when you found him?
Andy: Three! That's what makes him the best. He can do more with three legs than most dogs can do with four.
April: Except for digging. He's really bad at digging.
Andy: And you remember what you said about making decisions in the house? You want to be involved. We get that, so... You just say the word, and Champion goes back to the pound, where he can be put down and killed forever.
Ben: I'm not gonna send a three-legged dog to his death.
Andy: Yes!
Ben: But I'm not gonna take care of him for you.
April: Well, it would be nice if you helped a little. Because, unlike you, Andy and I have jobs.
Ben: Cruel, but fair.

Chris: So, you've hit a bit of a rough patch, and I care about you, so I just want to make sure you're doing okay.
Ben: Chris, honestly, I'm great. I'm just exploring whatever fun activity pops into my brain. Like, check this out. I'm teaching myself how to do Claymation videos. Isn't this just so cool?
Chris: It is so cool!
[aside to camera:]
Chris: Ben is massively depressed, and he needs my help.

Tom: Is there even enough room for everyone?
April: Here, sit on my lap.
Tom: No, that's humiliating. Can't I at least sit on Andy's lap?
Andy: No, that's Champion's spot. He called it.
Ron Swanson: Tom, we're already late. Now, be a man, and sit on that girl's lap.
Tom: Yes, sir.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Ann is killing it. My campaign team is unstoppable. This rally is going to be awesome. Oh, my God, I'm feeling it! I'm gonna break dance!
Ann: Leslie?
Leslie Knope: Coming! Thank God.

Pete: Look, Leslie, I read up on you. You've done great stuff for our parks system and I will happily endorse you... As Peter Disellio, regional distributor for Derwin Ham Loafs, but if this is about who I was, or what I did when I was 17, I'm out of here.
Leslie Knope: Let's not talk about dunking anymore. Let's talk about what you want to do.
Pete: Okay.
Leslie Knope: I think you want to dunk.
Pete: I'm not going to dunk the ball.
Ann: What about a layup?

April: [on the phone] Hi. I just wanted you to know we're about to be arrested.
Ann: Oh my God, April, that's horrible. Where are you? "My mother's butt," really? That's really helpful.
Leslie Knope: Let me talk to her. April, this is city council candidate Leslie Knope. Do not make any trouble. Sit tight. I'm on my way.
Ann: Whoa. You just hung up on her?
Leslie Knope: She'd already hung up on me.

Leslie Knope: Okay, I'm going to go down there and get them out, because men in uniform love me. You have to get Pistol Pete to make that shot.
Ann: Okay, but if I don't, it's no big deal, right? You'll just make your speech?
Leslie Knope: He's our surprise headliner. The whole town loves him. I'm polling at 1%. He must dunk, Ann. Do whatever it takes. You know, anything short of sexual favors.
Ann: What?
Leslie Knope: I do not-- I repeat, I do not want you to tempt him with sexual favors.
Ann: I wasn't going to.
Leslie Knope: Good, I wouldn't either. That's where I draw the line. Although, I am a little offended that you wouldn't do that for me.
Ann: Go.
Leslie Knope: Right.

Leslie Knope: Glen, you're killing me.
Police Officer: They broke about 50 laws, Knope. And that girl, she tried to get that gimp dog to bite me. [ Champion barks]

Leslie Knope: Look, I could sit here and fill out all the paperwork, but you and I both know that you'd rather go home to Debra, have a nice home-cooked meal, and do what comes naturally.
Police Officer: That's not appropriate.
Leslie Knope: You know that I'm gonna pay all the fines. I'm in the middle of a campaign rally, and this is my team. I need them, please.
Police Officer: Fine. But unless one of you has a commercial license, you can't take that truck.