Tom: Can you break up with her for me?
Ann: I'm not gonna dump a girl for you.
Tom: I'll give you that chenille blanket of mine you love so much.
Ann: Deal.
Tom: Ugh, but that's my favorite blankie. Won't you do it for free?
Ann: Nope.
Tom: Fine.

Leslie Knope: Councilman, nice putter.
Councilman Jamm: Oh, thank you very much. Some fat Hawaiian guy left it in my waiting room. When he came back, I was all like, "Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, no, I haven't seen it. I don't know." [chuckles] Classic.
Leslie Knope: [fake laugh] What a great and funny story. Okay, before we start, anybody want a hot dog?
Councilman Jamm: Hot dogs? You know I have irritable bowel syndrome, you racist.
Leslie Knope: Yikes, okay. How about a snow cone on me?
Ron Swanson: Hello, Councilman. Chris, Leslie, snow cone lady. I see you're about to play a round of publicly subsidized mini-golf. Mind if I join you?

Chang: We tried to tell you about the show, man. I called your cell, like, 20 times.
Andy: Well, I dropped my cell phone in a bowl of cereal last week, you idiot. You bothered to call me, you'd have known that. Maybe you should change your name to Burly and The Backstabbers.
Burly: That's a pretty good name, actually.
Chang: Yeah, he's really good at coming up with names.

Councilman Jamm: Yeah, she's right, Swanson. I do love it. You should relax a little. Have a snow cone. Leslie's buying all night.
Ron Swanson: You don't say. She's buying you snow cones, and tomorrow you're voting on an issue that she cares about.
Leslie Knope: Hey, guys, what, are we gonna stand around all day and listen to Ron spout off unrelated facts about blah, blah, blah, or are we gonna play? Game on.
Chris: Hey, everybody, great news. They gave us free mylar balloons.
Councilman Jamm: I got dibs on the dinosaur. And the pirate and the dolphin. I want all of 'em.
Leslie Knope: You got 'em.
Councilman Jamm: Sweet.

Chris: The Councilman is away... Good luck to you both.
Councilman Jamm: Luck has nothing to do with it, Chris. Yeah, I could be a pro!
Leslie Knope: Wow, you are on fire, Jeremy. Having fun?
Councilman Jamm: Mmhmm.
Leslie Knope: I think this proves that this is a wonderful place that brings joy to people's lives and brings a community together.
Ron Swanson: It's also a place that costs the taxpayer $9,000 in annual subsidies.
Councilman Jamm: [blows raspberry] You guys sound like school.
Chris: I have two important pieces of caddy information. Councilman Jamm leads by eight strokes, and you are both about to set a course record. For friendship. On to the next hole.

Ron Swanson: You are pandering to get a vote. And worse, you're deliberately losing.
Leslie Knope: I am not deliberately losing. I'm having a very off night.
Ron Swanson: Losing on purpose is a form of lying. You're only as good as your word.
Leslie Knope: You want a word, Ron? I have a word for you. I will do anything I can to get Jamm's vote so that he will keep this course open, and it will be good for the community-- stop! I know it's more than one word. Shut up.

Chris: Guys, I'm gonna let Julie go home. It's getting late, and Jeremy's eaten all the syrup. Thank you. It's been an honor working alongside you.
Julie: Thanks.
Councilman Jamm: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. Snow cones are half the fun.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, Julie, could you stay, please?
Julie: I have calculus homework. I--
Leslie Knope: Oh, well, math is worthless in real life. I mean, there's an app for calculating tips. That's all you need. [quietly] Math is very important, especially for young women. Stay in school.

Ron Swanson: I've made my point. Leslie has made hers. Which way are you voting, Councilman?
Councilman Jamm: Uh, well, I'm kind of still on the fence about this budget thing, but I do love watching you guys squabble over me. You sure make a guy feel like a real lady.
Leslie Knope: Weird.
Councilman Jamm: All right, how about this? You two play each other. Nine holes. Winner gets my vote.
Leslie Knope: I'm game. Ron?
Ron Swanson: An athletic competition where both parties are competing their hardest is certainly more honorable than whatever this charade is.
Chris: Sudden death playoff on the very course that hangs in the balance. I could literally faint if I didn't have impeccable blood pressure.

Ann: Tom.
Tom: What happened to you?
Ann: Mona-Lisa happened to me. She covered me in glitter and Anna Nicole body spray. Why do they still even make that?
Tom: They don't. She's had the same bottle for years. She just mixes in water and baby oil.
Ann: Now it's your turn to help me, okay? You need to break things off with me and Mona-Lisa.
Tom: Uh, Ann, this might be a battle you need to fight yourself. I try not to get involved in other people's personal relationships.
Ann: Aah! Don't hurt me.
Ann: Get me out of this friendship!

Ron Swanson: Why is there a gorilla guarding this gingerbread house?
Leslie Knope: Because mini-golf is awesome. It's cute, and it's fun, and it needs to be saved.