Chris: This is it. Ron leads by one. If he hits the ball into the dragon's mouth, he gets Jamm's vote.
Leslie Knope: Uh, bean sprouts. Tofu. Ralph Nader. Ayn Rand is a terrible writer. Don't mess up, don't mess up, don't mess up. [dragon hisses] Damn it!
Chris: Hole- in-one! Excellent win, Ron. Even better loss, Leslie. Ultimately, we learn the most about ourselves through the losses.

Councilman Jamm: Swanson, I hate you. Nothing will change that. But I respect the hell out of your short game. You got my vote, hombre.
Bill: Hey, you got a hole-in-one on 18, so I'm supposed to give you this.
Leslie Knope: No, he gets the dragon too?
Ron Swanson: A fine trophy. I think I'll keep it in the office.
Leslie Knope: No, you won't. Here, kid, want this, huh? Take it and run. Run!

Ann: Tom, she's coming! Tom!
Tom: Okay, desperation time. Follow my lead.
Ann: What lead? What do you mean? What are you-- oh.
Mona-Lisa: What the mother-effing, c-ing ess-ing, effing k-ing eff is going on right now?
Tom: Sorry, Mona-Lisa. We can't keep our hands off each other.
Ann: That is accurate.
Mona-Lisa: Oh, it's all finally very clear. All the times that you were like, "Oh, no, Tom's no good for you." And all the times you tried to break it off with me... I finally get it. You guys want a threesome.
Ann: What? No. We do not wanna have a threesome with you.
Tom: Well, let's not rush to judgment. I mean, I say we hear her out.
Ann: Gross. Tom, good luck. You still owe me a blanket.

April: Babe, you love that band that I also love so much. They're important to you. Come on, call Burly and ask him to let you back in.
Andy: Why, so they can steal my swan song? Ha, joke's on them. I forgot it. No, business is my life now.
April: Okay, what's in there?
Andy: I don't know. I-it's locked.
Ben: Yeah, that's my briefcase.
Andy: Is it?

Ann: Hey. How did your wild dirtbag fantasy night work out?
Tom: Well, Mona-Lisa and the random girl she grabbed after you left got into a fistfight in the parking lot. Eventually, Mona-Lisa threw a cinderblock through the girl's windshield. She dives in, steals her purse, doesn't go for the money, steals all her birth control pills, and says, "Bitch, you're gonna get pregnant." She then pretends those are ecstasy and sells it to a bunch of college kids that are drinking Goldschläger at a gas station.
Ann: You have to break up with her.
Tom: I tried. Again. It did not go well.
Ann: Did she assault you?
Tom: No, this was a sexual injury.
Ann: Okay, gross.

Councilman Jamm: What's up, yellow head?
Leslie Knope: Jamm, are you here to rub it in my face that I lost your vote last night?
Councilman Jamm: Well, I was, but it doesn't have to go down that way.
Leslie Knope: You shook Ron's hand and told him that you were gonna vote to close the putt-putt.
Councilman Jamm: My word is garbage. [chuckles] Everyone knows that. Let's talk deal. What can you offer me to change my mind?
Leslie Knope: Wow, Jamm, even for you, this is pretty sleazy.
Councilman Jamm: Hey, don't act so shocked. A few months ago, you traded me your office for that stupid swimming pool bill. Last night you bring in a teenage girl to pump me full of snow cones. This is simply how people like us operate.

Andy: Burly, I just want to say I'm sorry that I haven't been to rehearsal and that I won't let you sing or write songs or walk out onstage in front of me. Man, I love playing with you guys. And I want back in if you'll let me.
Burly: Well, we never wanted to kick you out. It's just, you didn't show up for practice, and we like to play.
Andy: Right.
Burly: If you wanna come back in, you can. I'm more of a backup singer anyways.
April: You can say that again.
Andy: No, no, no. Hey, you got a great voice.
April: Yeah, Ben! God, don't say that.

Burly: Welcome back, buddy.
Andy: Yes. [laughs] All right! Hey, I'll even try melting the cheese on the nachos.
Burly: All right.
Andy: It won't work. You're gonna look like such an idiot.

Andy: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mouse Rat's Reunion Show, featuring me, Andy Dwyer, and for the first time, Andrew "Burly" Burlinson on lead vocals. That's right, two lead vocalists. Name one other band that's done that.
Ben: The Beatles.
Andy: [counts off] Three, four!

Ann: Hi, Mona-Lisa? Hi. I'm Ann Perkins. I used to date Tom.
Mona-Lisa: Oh, okay. We can do this, but I will bite you.
Ann: Is that a screwdrive-- no, I do not want to fight. No.
Mona-Lisa: Okay.
Ann: I just wanna talk to you woman-to-woman because I know Tom pretty well.
Mona-Lisa: Do you know his ATM pin? 'Cause I cannot crack that little bitch's code.
Ann: I don't. You know what used to drive me nuts? He is a total control freak. I mean, you have to put a coaster down on every surface, and the worst part is, they're all made out of pictures from Diddy's Instagram.
Mona-Lisa: Diddy's on Instagram? [loudly] How did I not know that Diddy was on Instagram, you jagweeds?
Ann: Who are you yelling at?
Mona-Lisa: The jagweeds. Why are you still in front of me?