Ron Swanson: Mom, you're going back to the farm. And you, you're going back to hell.
Tammy One: Fine. I got what I came for anyway. I found your underground safe. I stole half your gold.
Ron Swanson: That's decoy gold. You think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe buried underground, where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all.
Tammy One: Yes, I do. I knew you the minute you were born. And I intend to be there the minute you die.
Leslie Knope: Ron, your family's weird.

Leslie Knope: Okay guys, a Battle Royale is coming up. Every department in one room arguing for more money. Budgetary Thunder Dome. So, um, make a list of why other departments suck and I gonna get the secret weapon.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Our secret weapon in this budgetary battle, Ron. Every time another department asks for more money, he just stares them down until they back off and/or wet themselves.

Walt Morphling: [on tape] You can prevent adult-onset diabetes by getting an annual check-up, exercising, praying...
Ann: Okay. [clears throat]
Chris: Who is that guy?
Ann: That is Walt Morphling. He was the director of public health, but he had to retire at 46 because he had diabetes.
Chris: That is sad, but also, in this town, understandable.

Tom: Welcome to paradise, my man. You can chill over there by the bar. We also got basketball at any time you want. There's Roy Hibbert and Detlef Schrempf.
Ben: Oh, my God. That's an actual NBA player. He plays for the Pacers.
Tom: NBA's on strike, so we got him for only, like, 75% of his original NBA salary. What up, Roy?
Roy Hibbert: Is this all you want me to do? Play one on one with Detlef?
Tom: Yes. And keep your mouth shut.

Ben: Um, hi. Are you the receptionist?
Tessa: I guess. I don't really know.
Tom: If you don't mind me asking, how much are they paying you?
Tessa: $100,000 a year. With full medical.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: I mean, I would guess they'll be bankrupt by the end of... This sentence. [to a waiter with champagne] No, thank you.

April: [aside to camera] She's the cold, distant mother I never had. I love her.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] When Ron falls for Tammy Two, he turns into a demonic sex maniac. But this? Neutered wimp? This is worse. Operation "Golden Dove" is in trouble.

Tammy Zero: You were right to come get me. My son Ronnie always had a weakness for those ladies.
Leslie Knope: Oh, wow. Is this Ron?
Tammy Zero: Yup. At the age of five. He's standing next to the first chair he ever built.
Andy: Oh, my God! There's a room full of just guns.
Leslie Knope: Why do you have so many guns?
Tammy Zero: This is America, isn't it?
Leslie Knope: Yes.
Tammy Zero: Then I don't have to answer stupid questions while standing on my own property. Let's go. [whistles]
April: Okay. Well, it's definitely Ron's mom.

Ben: Literally, there's a-- Someone reading a magazine, and someone applying nail polish. What's that- What is she doing? She's just playing with an iPad. Tom told me that chair was $27,000. That chair that has a roof. The- There's someone over there in a deep sleep. She's probably being paid upwards of $100,000 a year. There's this video of a boat. Look at that thing. What is that? What are you supposed to do with that thing?

Jean-Ralphio: Who are you?
Tom: Uh, this is Ben. He's here to help us with the paperwork.
Jean-Ralphio: Ben? Is that your real name?
Ben: Yes.
Jean-Ralphio: Oh, you could do better than that. I'ma help you out right now. Your name is Angelo. Angelo, thank you so much for coming out. Get a thicker tie. It looks weird on you. Makes your head look like a fish. Secondly, I don't know where the paperwork is, but when you find it, can you take care of it for us? We don't have any pens 'cause we're afraid it's gonna leak in our shirts. Lastly, I hate the name, Angelo. I'ma switch it up for you, right now. Your new nickname is... Jell-o shot. What do you think of that, J-shot? Do you have questions?
Ben: Yeah. Where are we?