Leslie Knope: Ron, this is a federal tax audit. You could go to jail. Jail, Ron. Ron, jail. Jail, Ron, jail. You could go to jail. Jail, jail, jail.
Ron Swanson: Are you broken?
Leslie Knope: Andy, April!
Andy: What's up, boss?
April: Stop yelling and being annoying.
Leslie Knope: Grab your calculators. Settle in. Operation "Rescue Ron" is starting. Don't worry. I will think of a better name for it by tomorrow.

Tom: Let's hit it.
Ben: What you- Right now? Uh, I have work.
Tom: And I thought I had a friend.
Ben: All right.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: It's almost too easy.
Ben: I can hear you.
Tom: [laughs] I know you can, Ben. That's how easy it is.

Tom: All right, Ben. If you need anything, one of these models that we pay to hang around here will grab it for you. In the meantime, we' gonna be playing video games, tweeting our high scores.

Tammy One: Good God, Ronald. This is a much bigger mess than I imagined. You'll take a week off from work. We'll do a complete overhaul of your finances. I'll need access to all your accounts, and your home.
Ron Swanson: Is that necessary?
Tammy One: Oh, oh. Are we playing a game where everyone says something stupid? You. What is your name?
Andy: Tim. Tim Buckenowski.
Tammy One: Really?
Andy: No. Andy Dwyer.
Tammy One: Andy, you're going to collect all of this, and you're going to put it in my car.

Tammy One: Ms. Knope.
Leslie Knope: Yes?
Tammy One: You're going to go to payroll and get copies of Ronald's workplace expense reports.
Leslie Knope: Oh, I--I'm just wondering how long that's going to take, because Ron and I have a very important meeting together. It's called the Battle Royale. It's super fun.
Tammy One: Well, you and Ron have a big meeting, huh? I'm sure Ron will remember the meeting fondly while he makes toilet wine in a federal prison in Terre Haute.
Leslie Knope: I'll- I'll head down to payroll.
Tammy One: [clears throat] Now. You're not getting any younger.
Leslie Knope: Yes, ma'am.

Chris: [recording] Diabetes can't be cured. But it can be prevented. Make a choice. Make a change. And together, we can make a difference. [to Ann] What do you think? Any notes?
Ann: Great. Just as good, if not exactly the same as the last one.
Chris: In that last one, I left a nanosecond of a pause between the words, "together" and "we." It felt much better. But I'd love to try another one.
Ann: I really think we've got it.
Chris: Ann. This is important to me because it's important to you. I mean, you spent a lot of time and energy on writing this.
Ann: Not really.
Chris: So, it needs to be perfect. So, let's do 1 more, then 5 more, then 20 in a row.

Ben: Tom. Jean-Ralphio. Professional basketball players.
Roy Hibbert: 'Sup, Jell-o shot.
Ben: Can I ask you guys a question? How exactly are you making money?
Tom: Wanna know how we make money?
Jean-Ralphio: Do you wanna know how we make money?
Tom: By literally printing out our money.
Jean-Ralphio: We bought a printing press. This prints bills with our faces and the e720 logo on them.
Tom: And promote the company by going to clubs and tossing the bills in the air and screaming, "Free money!"
Ben: You can't just print your own money. This has to stop, right now.

Ben: I need to see all of your books.
Tom: You got it, baby. Baby! Get him the books.
Jean-Ralphio: Aww, Snapple. Are we calling everybody "baby" now? 'Cause honestly, I love that.
Tom: Are we saying "Snapple" anytime we think something's dope? 'Cause I love that, baby.

Ron Swanson: [to a man] We're here to serve you, friend. I hope the rest of your day is cool beans.
Leslie Knope: Ron, what is this memo you sent to me? You're not going to the battle royale?
Ron Swanson: I have decided not to attend this year.
Leslie Knope: Okay, first of all, it's disturbing that you wrote a memo, at all. But you love arguing against government spending. Why do you not wanna do it now?
Ron Swanson: Leslie, please. The government knows what it's doing. I'm confident that I'll- [Leslie slaps Ron] Ouchie.
Leslie Knope: You and I are going to lunch. We have to talk.
Ron Swanson: Let me just call Tammy first and get permission.
Leslie Knope: Oh, come on.
Ron Swanson: [on the phone] Tammy, I was wondering if I could go to lunch with Leslie? Terrific. Bye. [hangs up] She says I can't go.
Leslie Knope: You're going to lunch with me. I say you can go.
Ron Swanson: Oh, gosh. I'm really in a pickle now.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God.

Leslie Knope: Ron, there are some things I want to speak to you about but I'm not quite sure how to phrase them.
Ron Swanson: Just blurt them right out, Leslie. Anything you say will stay between you and me. Right, my love?
Tammy One: Stop fidgeting.
Ron Swanson: Sorry.