‘Ron and Jammy’
Season 7, Episode 2 - Aired January 13, 2015
Leslie and Ron put aside their feud to rescue Councilman Jamm from a relationship with Tammy Two (Megan Mullally). Meanwhile, Tom visits Chicago to see Lucy again, and April realizes she isn't passionate about her job.
Quote from April
Ben: Hey, April. How's it going?
April: Fine. Except hearing Joan talk about her passion and doing what you really love, like, totally freaked me out. Eight years ago, I accepted a random internship at the Parks Department, and then Leslie told me to do a bunch of stuff, and now I'm executive director of regional whatever... I don't even know what it means, and I never even asked myself if I even really like it. I mean, it's like what is my purpose in life? What do I even care about? My insides are dying.
Ben: So, not fine.
April: I don't know what to do. I have to quit.
Ben: To do what?
April: I'm just gonna go live under a bridge and ask people riddles before they cross.
Quote from Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] When it comes to Tammy, the code is the same as that of the battlefield: First, you leave no man behind. Second, you must protect yourself against chemical warfare. Tammy does not abide by the Geneva convention.
Quote from Donna
April: Donna, what do I do? If working around corpses isn't even right for me, then nothing is. I feel totally lost.
Donna: Saturn's return.
April: What?
Donna: Saturn's orbit around the sun takes roughly 29 years, and when it gets back to where it was when you were born, lots of turmoil, self-discovery. When I was your age, I got banned from every riverboat in Germany.
Quote from Joan Callamezzo
Joan Callamezzo: Thank you, Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham.
Ben: Okay, she thinks she's in Batman.
Joan Callamezzo: People often ask me, "Joan, how do you do it?" It's simple. I love being on TV. I've known what I've wanted to do since I was ten years old. That is the key to living a good life. If you don't absolutely love what you do with a true passion, then what's the point in doing it at all? On a separate note, I think that America should have a purge night. Let me explain why.
Quote from Joan Callamezzo
Ben: Joan, on behalf of the entire city, congratulations. I do want to apologize for not being able to accommodate some of your requests.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh.
Ben: For example, we couldn't get a bottle of Chateau Marmont because it's a hotel in Los Angeles, not a wine.
Joan Callamezzo: Well, did you at least get buddy holly to sing?
Ben: No, because he's been famously dead for 60 years.
Joan Callamezzo: What?
Quote from Joan Callamezzo
April: Hi, Joan. Hi, my name is April, and I'm your biggest fan, and I pretty much hate everyone.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh.
April: Will you sign your ninth memoir for me?
Joan Callamezzo: Well, it would be my pleasure. You said your name was Glenn?
April: Yes, I did.
Joan Callamezzo: That's pretty.
Quote from Ron Swanson
Leslie Knope: Okay, we're gonna do some scenes and demonstrate ways that you can resist Tammy. I will play Tammy. Ron will play you. [as Tammy] Hey there, horsey. Time to mount up and ride on into Bonertown. What do you say we get stanky in that pet store bathroom? Huh, Jamm? Hmm? Huh? Huh?
Councilman Jamm: Do it.
Ron Swanson: There will be no sex today, Tammy.
Leslie Knope: Oh.
Ron Swanson: Instead, why don't you go into the pet store and feed yourself to the snakes? To hell with you, woman. Good-bye.
Leslie Knope: Hey, you big hunk of wiener meat. I've got 40 handtowels, some energy bars, and a Chinese finger trap. Let's get gross.
Ron Swanson: This gambit has failed. To hell with you, woman. Good-bye.
Councilman Jamm: What are you wearing?
Ron Swanson: It's a crotch-blinder of my own design. In this scenario, she will be coming at you pants-less.
Quote from Ron Swanson
Councilman Jamm: Okay. Doors are locked. Window is secured. There is no way Tammy's getting in here.
Leslie Knope: [as Tammy] Jamm. Strip down, you sex maggot.
Ron Swanson: And hold!
Councilman Jamm: What was your mistake?
Ron Swanson: You didn't check the armoire. Tammy once camped out in my attic for six days awaiting my arrival. She survived on rats and rainwater. Let's run it again!
Quote from Leslie Knope
Councilman Jamm: Knopey, my girl, what up? I just farted.
Leslie Knope: Oh, Jeremy. I truly thought that I would never have to interact with you again.
Councilman Jamm: I missed you too.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: The city council is voting on whether to rezone the Newport land for commercial use. If I win, stupid Gryzzl and stupid Ron can't build anything there, and then I'm sitting pretty. Sadly, the deciding vote is from my old city council mate and human equivalent of gas station sushi, Jeremy Jamm.