April: That guy is a joke. This lawsuit is definitely getting thrown out.
Tom: I don't know, those are Jean-Ralphio's lawyers. They once got him $60,000 'cause he got too scared at a haunted house.

Paul: Ms. Ludgate, have you ever heard Mr. Swanson threaten to hurt councilman Jamm?
April: Ronny? Are you kidding me? I've never heard him threaten to hurt anyone or anything. The guy's, like, a vegetarian. Look at him, he's like a big, old, soft teddy bear. His nickname around the office is "Softy-Pants McHuggable."

Paul: Thank you, Ms. Ludgate. It is now quite clear that on innumerable occasions Ron Swanson said he intended to punch councilman Jamm in the face, and then he did.
April: Yeah, but who cares? He says a lot of things. He's always talking about overthrowing the government, but he never does that.
Councilman Jamm: Well, that'll make a nice pull quote for the article about me taking you to the cleaners.
Paul: Mr. Swanson, if you'd like to make a statement, you may.
Ron Swanson: On the night I punched councilman Jamm in the face, I warned him several times to back off. And instead, he attacked me twice. Truthfully, I barely registered his attack. He's incredibly frail, and his arms are weak. And when I punched him, he dropped so quickly, I thought he was diving towards the ground. I regret nothing. The end.

April: I wish we had $46 million. We could buy my parents' house and evict them.

Paul: Did you ever hear Mr. Swanson say he intended to injure councilman Jamm before the day of the wedding?
Tom: The answer is a flat "no." Ron doesn't really pay much attention to other people. I doubt he even knew you existed. Also, may I say for the record, that is a dope pocket square. Can I see that bad boy?

Leslie Knope: Kidney stone?
Dr. Clipperton: Yep. Big sucker too. We're gonna have to keep him here until it passes.
Ben: Leslie and Dr. Clipperton... Wow, man, I'm so glad you guys are meeting. It's like worlds collide. You know, I love it. I want candy.
Leslie Knope: What is he on?
Dr. Clipperton: Morphine. It's good stuff.

Ben: Leslie, come here. Do you have any idea how beautiful you are? I'm serious. You're like a flower. Or, no, like a snug-bug or like a snugger-doodle or something like that. We should just go for it, you know? Life.

Ron Swanson: You could both take a lesson from Andrew. He told the truth about everything he was asked, even when it was humiliating for him.
Andy: That's right. I love telling the truth. Case in point, sometimes when I blow my nose, I get a boner. I don't know why. It just happens. Truth bomb.

Ann: Are you sure about this?
Chris: You are caring, intelligent, and reliable. And I am certain that you will literally be the world's best mom.
Ann: Wow. This is really happening. [Chris feels Ann's stomach] You know there's nothing in there yet, right?
Chris: Yes, sorry.

Ben: My friend Jack and I used to fish this lake in the summer. One time, our boat almost tipped over, but then it didn't.
Leslie Knope: That's not a great story.
Ben: Yeah, I had a pretty uneventful childhood.