Leslie Knope: Hey, you know what? You should look on the bright side. I'm sure that Millicent couldn't keep up with you on your runs, so now you can go full speed again.
Chris: On the contrary, she was faster than I was. I set many personal bests just trying to keep up with her. Which is what I'm worried about. What if she was my personal best?
Leslie Knope: No, your best is still ahead of you.
Chris: I am 44 years old.
Leslie Knope: You don't look a day over 30.
Chris: Most people say 25.
Leslie Knope: Who says that?
Chris: Lot of people.

Leslie Knope: How is your evening unfolding in terms of your conversations with men?
Ann: I have met a lot of different guys tonight.
Leslie Knope: How lucky that that happened to you on Valentine's Day.
Ann: What's lucky is that I have a best friend who spent her Valentine's Day trying to find me a date.
Leslie Knope: Thank you.
Ann: I'm gonna go home.
Leslie Knope: No. Stay.
Ann: I just-- I'm gonna go home and watch TV.
Leslie Knope: Okay, well, can you just do me a favor and give me your car keys for a second? There's something I need to look at on your car keys.
Ann: You're gonna throw them on the roof again so I can't leave.
Leslie Knope: You know me too well.

Leslie Knope: Ann, you tricky bastard.
April: Leslie, what are you doing?
Leslie Knope: Look at Ann. She's putting on makeup. She using the emergency mini curling iron that I gave her. She has a date.
April: You don't know that.
Leslie Knope: Why wouldn't she tell me who it is? Because she doesn't want me to know. Because it's someone she shouldn't be dating. Wait, the music's better. Have you seen Chris?
April: I don't know, maybe he's in the bathroom or something.
Leslie Knope: She's going to meet Chris.

Ben: Hey, I got nine, three and four.
Ron Swanson: I have 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, and 19.
Ben: Whoa.
Ron Swanson: I got-- I got lucky.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: And I love riddles.

Leslie Knope: [answers car phone] What do you want, April?
April: Leave Ann alone. This is none of your business.
Leslie Knope: After all the hoops that Ben and I had to jump through because of the boss-employee thing, it is absolutely my business. Chris needs to explain himself, and Ann lied to me about this date. I mean, so many injustices.
April: Ann would never do anything to piss you off, Leslie. You guys are such close friends, it's lame. Just have a nice night with Ben, and forget about this.
Leslie Knope: Okay, fine. I will let it go for now. But I want you to know that I think there is some-- [beep] Okay, she hung up on me.

Ben: So are you ready to go have our first ever Valentine's dinner?
Leslie Knope: Yes, but I have to tell you something. Chris and Ann are on a secret date. Which is crazy because he's her boss, which is the exact situation we were in, except we were put on trial for it. And I know I'm not supposed to care, and I'm supposed to let it go, and we should just have a romantic dinner--
Ben: No, we have to go catch them in the act. Right now.
Leslie Knope: Really?
Ben: Yeah. Screw romantic dinners. Let's go rub it in their face.
Leslie Knope: God, I love you so much.

Leslie Knope: April. Tom and Ann are on a date.
April: I know.
Leslie Knope: What do you mean you know? How do you know?
April: Because... I set them up. I was watching Ann with Tom at the dance and she seemed to be having a good time. So I went over to talk to her.
[flashback:]
April: What are you looking for in a date anyway?
Ann: I don't know. What does anyone want? Just a nice, funny guy who likes me and treats me well.
April: Tom's funny, and he'd treat you well.
Ann: Ha, ha.
April: I'm serious. You want a good date, why not ask out the only guy that's made you smile tonight?
Ann: He's ridiculous. All that dumb swagger.
April: It's not. He's sweet. You should just ask him out for a drink. I'm 1,000% sure he'd say yes. I bet you guys would have a good time.

Ben: Man, I need to, like, wrap my head around this.
April: Why? It makes sense to me. This is a small, loser town with loser people, and Tom's, like, at least semi-cool.
Leslie Knope: You know what I'm hearing? You tried to make Ann happy for Valentine's Day.
April: Ugh.
Leslie Knope: You're a very nice person.
April: No.
Leslie Knope: Yes, you are. Very nice person.
April: Bye.

Tom: So, Ann, it's finally happening.
Ann: Dude, this is so close to falling apart.
Tom: Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Can I be honest, though? I'm a little freaked out. Like, I don't really understand what's going on.
Ann: This is what's going on. We're gonna have a drink, and we're gonna talk, get to know each other. And then I am going to drive home... alone.
Tom: Cool. Consider this alternate plan. We have drinks here, get to know each other, whatever. Then we go back to my place and snuggle up, like little bunnies.
Ann: Yeah, this was a mistake.
Tom: No!

Ron Swanson: Leslie, thanks to your annoying prying last year, I'm sure you remember my birthday's coming up.
Leslie Knope: I know, I know. No parties, you hate parties.
Ron Swanson: Correct. Oh, you know that wild goose chase you sent Ben on for Valentine's Day?
Leslie Knope: The scavenger hunt?
Ron Swanson: I also do not want that.
Leslie Knope: Yep, I understand.
Ron Swanson: I absolutely do not want to solve a series of riddles and clues, each more intricate than the last. You understand what I'm saying?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I got it, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Good. [whistling] Uh, I-I do want that. Please do that for me.