Ron Swanson: [screams]
Leslie Knope: Ron?
Ron Swanson: What in the devil's name is this?
Chris: Portobello mushrooms.
Ron Swanson: Where's the steak?
Chris: Oh, there's no steak. That's a healthier option. It's organically grown.
Ron Swanson: Lord.
Leslie Knope: Ron, are you okay? [Ron stumbles] Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay. Could you get us a cold compress or something?

Chris: Ann Perkins, what are you doing here?
Leslie Knope: Whose pink razor's in your shower?
Chris: Excuse me?
Ann: Leslie found a pink razor and a pink swimming cap in your shower. Whose is it?
Chris: I guess you're talking about my razor. I shave my legs for swimming, and women's razors work better. For whatever reason, men's razor technology hasn't figured out how to properly contour the shinbone.
Ann: And the swimming cap?
Chris: Indiana Breast Cancer Awareness Triathlon, 2009. Came in fourth.
Leslie Knope: Well, I found concealer in your medicine cabinet. What's that about?
Chris: I'm a human being. Sometimes I get blemishes. I'm not perfect.

Leslie Knope: Now, after we are given the certificate, who do you think should speak first? I think it should be me and then you. But, if you want, it could be you and then me. Or it could go me, you, me. What do you think?
Ron Swanson: How about just you?
Leslie Knope: Thank you, Ron. Yes.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Tomorrow, the Parks and Rec Department is receiving a commendation at the Indiana Statehouse for bringing the Harvest Festival back. And although it's purely ceremonial, it's a huge deal for me to go to the Statehouse.

Andy: So my band's working on a new album.
April: Oh, yeah? What's it called?
Andy: April Ludgate is the Best Ever, Volume One.
April: Shut up.
Andy: So, what do you wanna do tonight? We could watch TV at Burly's house or we could watch TV at your house. Or, I mean, we could watch TV at Best Buy.

Andy: [aside to camera] I kind of forgot that you need money when you have a girlfriend. I wanna treat April like a queen, and queens deserve flowers and massages, chocolate, booze, diamonds, rubies, emeralds, them treasure chests full of scarves, different kinds of lubes that warm up when you rub 'em on stuff. I'm gonna give her all that stuff. And more.

Ann: Leslie, I think Chris is cheating on me.
Leslie Knope: What? That lying bastard! Wait. How do you know?
Ann: I don't have any actual proof.
Leslie Knope: Then I'm sure he's not cheating on you. And if he is, he's a monster. And if he's not, you guys are great together. But if he is, I will kill him.

Leslie Knope: If you would be willing to just take a brief pit stop, we could see Indiana's second-largest rocking chair.
Ron Swanson: No.
Leslie Knope: Then maybe we should take a quick two-hour sojourn to Dame Gervin's Misshapen Celebrity Castle. It's where Madame Tussaud sends all of its failed wax figures, and if you can figure out who it is, you get to take it home.
Ron Swanson: No.

Leslie Knope: Wow! Look at your foyer. It's like a spa in here.
Chris: Exactly. The entranceway to your house sends a message to the world about who you are. And the front door provides energy flow and opportunity. You cannot limit that.

April: [turns to man next to her] Hey.
Kevin: Hey.
April: I hate drinking alone.
Kevin: Can I get you a drink?
April: Sure. Triple whiskey.
Kevin: What's your name?
April: Oprah.
Kevin: I'm Kevin.
April: Cool. I kind of wanna drink alone.
Kevin: But...
April: I said I wanna drink alone. Thanks. Bye. [to Andy] Here. You take this one. I will get myself a martini from that idiot.

Leslie Knope: So, Chris, do you have any sisters?
Chris: No, I don't, Leslie. Do you have sisters?
Leslie Knope: Maybe. So how's your mom? Is she visiting?
Chris: No, she's home up in Wisconsin. Is your mom visiting?
Leslie Knope: Any aunts?
Chris: Nope. You have aunts?
Leslie Knope: Girl cousins? A youthful grandmother, perhaps?
Chris: Nope.
Ron Swanson: [to Leslie] Did you forget how to have a conversation?