Chris: Ron, what's this?
Ron Swanson: The crib I built. I'm giving it to you and Ann. It's perfectly safe. I tested it by hitting it with my truck.
Chris: Well, Ron, I can't accept. This is for your baby.
Ron Swanson: There's more than one crib tree in a forest. That's not a lesson, by the way, just a comment on lumber availability.
Chris: It's beautiful. Thank you.
Ron Swanson: Nobody has all the right answers in parenting, including me. And that toxic crib you bought won't be the last mistake you make. But a man who's this worried about making all the right choices cares very much. That's all that matters. You'll be a great father.
Chris: Thank you, Ron... for the crib and the advice. It's much better than any metaphor.

Robert Mathis: What's up, girl?
Donna: Keep walking, 98.
Ben: You don't even want to talk to that guy? He plays for the NFL.
Donna: He's a linebacker. Skill positions only for Donna Meagle.

Tom: I got my Colts beanie, my Colts scarf, I got the Colts grill going, and the crowning glory-- Colts slippies.
Anthony Castonzo: How are you going to run in those?
Tom: [laughing] "Run"? Tommy doesn't run. That's your guys' job. Now, uh, let's go fetch this football throw, fellas. [throws ball weakly] I love sports.

Leslie Knope: But more importantly, now that we have access to the Eagleton reservoir and the water-treatment supply, Pawnee is going to have fluoride in its water for the first time in our history, our oral history. Nailed it.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Of course I'm upset that I lost the recall election. But I'm just gonna spend the remainder of my term cramming in as many good projects as I can. Lame duck? Try flame duck... 'cause this duck is on fire.

Chris: Hey, what's up, guys?
Jerry: Look what Ron made. It's amazing.
Ron Swanson: Several months ago, I was on a walk and found my crib tree. I approached the tree, murdered it, left it to cure in my woodshop, and have begun working it into a crib for my upcoming child.
Chris: Ron Swanson, you cannot use this crib. You're ignoring every known crib-safety standard. It's all covered in the parenting book I'm reading, "Are You Going To Crawl My Way?" By Lenny Kravitz.
Ron Swanson: My crib will be safe because I'm building it with my own two hands.
Chris: I bought my crib in Bloomington, and I am confident that it is literally the safest crib in the explored universe. Let me take you there, and you can talk to the salesperson.
Ron Swanson: Counteroffer: you take me nowhere, and I talk to no one.
Chris: Counter-counteroffer: you come with me, or I make you attend a four-hour fax cover-sheet protocol meeting. Either way, it's a win for me.

Leslie Knope: Next on the docket is a vote to approve the Pawnee-Eagleton reservoir merger.
Councilman Jamm: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We're just goosing our water supply with fluoride? I mean, come on. Are we really gonna force every Pawnee resident to ingest a chemical we know nothing about?
Councilman Milton: Fluoride is used by the communists to control our minds.
Leslie Knope: No, it's not.
Councilman Dexhart: Fluoride can control minds? Like, you can use it to make ladies do stuff?
Leslie Knope: How am I the one that is getting booted off of this city council?

Chris: Ann found this place. It's where we bought our "Sounds of Nature" machine.
Ron Swanson: You bought a machine that replicates an open window?
Chris: Frasier! Chris Traeger. Do you remember me? I came in here looking for the Vanna White book on child care, "I'd Like to Solve the Puzzle of Parenting". Could you show my friend, Ron, that amazing crib that you sold me? The Babylove L'il Sweetheart Safe 4 Ever and Ever model.
Frasier: Oh, yeah, that thing is a deathtrap.
Chris: I'm sorry?
Frasier: Just found out this morning, it's being recalled. They found maxicylofentabol in the glue.
Chris: Is that good? It sounds bad.
Frasier: It burned off my fingernails.
Ron Swanson: I'll be in the car.

Leslie Knope: Alright. I'm a loose cannon. We need to fight fire with fire. I call a town hall meeting, I gather everyone together, I distribute the binders, but now the binders are bright yellow! Boom! [imitates explosion] Too extreme?
Tom: Too nothing. Look, Jamm's already ruined fluoride. Everyone's scared of it. What if we just called it something else?
Leslie Knope: What do you mean?
Tom: I mean we rebrand. No one cared about Calvin Broadus until he started calling himself Snoop Doggy Dogg. Then when people got tired of that, he went by Snoop Dogg, and now he's Snoop Lion. What's he gonna be in ten years? Snoop Laser Snake? Who knows?

Chris: Ron, I want to do things the Swanson way.
Ron Swanson: Wonderful. First rule: no conversation lasts longer than 100 total words. You have used 9. I have used 20. Continue.
Chris: Fun. I'd like you to teach me to build a crib.
Ron Swanson: Why do you need to build your own crib?
Chris: Because I no longer trust anything other than my own two hands. It is debilitating, but exciting.
Ron Swanson: Okay, we'll go to my woodshop at lunch.
Chris: Wonderful. Look at us. Both standing on the cusp of fatherhood. I know we haven't spent a lot of time together, but-
Ron Swanson: 100.

Chris: [aside to camera] I really wish Ron would engage, but he exudes so much wisdom that I can learn parenting tips simply by being in his presence. Someone like Ron is teaching even when they're not teaching. Does that make sense? My anxiety has kept me up for over 50 hours.