Ben: Oh, God. Leslie was gonna go on Pawnee Today to promote the gala.
Ron Swanson: I'll do it.
Ben: No offense, Ron, but I don't think you'd be great on TV.
Ron Swanson: I can speak in full sentences, and I won't cry.
Ben: Fair point. I did cry last time. Godspeed.

Leslie Knope: How did you get the word out?
Ben: Well, Ron went on Joan's show and kicked ass.
Ron Swanson: I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy on his elderly uncle. It's been a very rewarding day.

Ron Swanson: It seems like her allergies are kicking in. [Joan snores] My name is Ron Swanson. I am here to tell you about a black-tie gala fund-raiser for Pawnee Commons happening tonight. All proceeds will go toward building a park. It will be enjoyable. [Joan snores]
Director: Take a- Take a phone call.
Ron Swanson: Now I will take your calls, apparently. Yes?
Woman: [on the line] Hey, Joan, settle a bet for me. Who's the sexiest couple in history? R-Patz and K-Stew, or Bieber- [Ron hangs up]

Leslie Knope: If I could sum up the Pawnee Commons in one word, it would be: Dynamite. "Dynamite" stands for daring, youth-friendly, natural, amazing, merry, inviting, tourist attraction-y, and eco-friendly.
Bill: Thank you, Councilwoman Knope. Very, very thorough and so many acronyms.
Leslie Knope: I know. [laughs]

Bill: Councilman Jamm?
Councilman Jamm: Thank you, Bill. No, please, everyone be seated. Let the record show there was a standing ovation.
Ann: No, there wasn't.
Leslie Knope: There was not.
Councilman Jamm: History will decide. My plan for lot 48 is simple. But why read it when you can shove it right in your face? I want to sell this lot to Paunch Burger. Here's why. We make money. They make money. They make burgers. We eat burgers. That's a win-win-win-win. Presentation over. Jamm out.

Leslie Knope: What are we going to do, guys? How are we going to get that money?
Tom: Hey, come on. Cheer up, little pups. Registering for your wedding is the most important moment of your lives. Love... Love fades away. But things... Things are forever.
Ben: That's beautiful. Did the Dalai Lama say that?
Tom: Ooh! A citrus reamer! Oh, this is the only way to ream citrus. You're gonna need two of these.

Leslie Knope: Tom, I need you to contact three more food vendors on this list, and they need to do it for free.
Tom: I'm omelet. Get it? "I'm on it," "I'm omelet"?
Leslie Knope: I get it, and I love it, but I don't have time for food puns right now.
Tom: Okay, I'm heading out. Good-pie.
Leslie Knope: [laughs] Go.
Tom: Gurt. Go-gurt. I'm incredible.

Andy: Oh, I'm nervous.
April: Babe, look at me. You are going to pass this test, and you are going to become a cop. And if you don't, I'll just divorce you and marry someone else and then cheat on them with you.
Andy: [chuckling] Aw, that's so sweet.
April: Also, I got you a lucky charm. I found a dead rabbit on the side of the road, and I cut its feet off and made it into a lucky charm.
Andy: Baby, you are so creepy. Thank you. I love it.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] The most important event that I have ever organized in my entire life is happening in eight hours, and I am stuck in this room. This is a nightmare. Wait. Maybe this is a nightmare. [sighs] Nope, can't fly away. This is real life.

Leslie Knope: Now, if everyone just follows my instructions, we will ace this test, and we will be done in 90 minutes.
Chris: "Step one) insert the DVD scenario."
Leslie Knope: Hmm, what could be on this?
[on video:]
Leslie Knope: Good evening, this is Channel 4 lead anchor Willow Tremaine, with breaking news. Avian flu has just hit the town of Pawnee. We go live now to St. Joseph's Medical Center for an update.
Leslie Knope: [Italian accent] Hello, my name is Donatella Breckinridge, M.D. I graduated first in my class from Harvard Medical School, so I know what I'm talking about. This is the avian flu, or we call "H5N1."