Tom: Did you guys get your public forum gift bag? There's an iPod touch in here.

Leslie Knope: Man, she used to not be like this. Eagleton really changed her.
Ben: Yeah, what exactly happened between the two of you, anyway?
Leslie Knope: Five years ago, Eagleton offered me that job.
Tom: And you said no? Are you insane?
Leslie Knope: I talked it over with Lindsay, and we made a pact that we would stay in Pawnee together and work hard and fight to make Pawnee a better place to live. And then they offered her the job, and she took it and disappeared.
Ben: Wow.
Tom: Ooh, verbena-scented soy candles!

Chris: You want me to do what, now?
Ron Swanson: Send Leslie somewhere on an assignment, a conference or something, and make her take April and freeze their bank accounts.
Chris: I don't understand. Is Leslie's work unsatisfactory?
Ron Swanson: No, it has nothing to do with her work. I don't want to get into it.
Chris: Ron, look, this is me, okay? You know you can talk to me about anything.
Ron Swanson: Well, it's... it's my birthday on Friday.
Chris: Hey! Happy Birthday. [kisses Ron]
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I'm ending this right now. I'm just gonna leave early and go home... Unless... That's exactly what she wants me to do.

Lindsay Carlisle Shay: Wow. I didn't expect to see the whole Parks Department here, although it is, sadly, one of the nicest spots in town.
Leslie Knope: I am so sick of this, Lindsay.
Tom: Wait, Leslie. I've got this. You listen to me, Lindsay Carlisle Shay. Why don't you take your fancy dog, get in your escalade? And if you have any job openings, maybe you should let me know about 'em.
Ben: Come on, man.
Tom: No! I'm sick of being treated like I'm not willing to relocate to Eagleton, because I am! So here's what you could do, lady. Take this resume and shove it into your human resources slot.
Andy: [laughs] Oh, yeah! Shove it there!

Leslie Knope: You might have a fancy car and a mahogany purse, or whatever rich people have, but I remember something that you're trying to forget. You're a Pawnee girl.
Andy: Mm-hmm.
Lindsay Carlisle Shay: No, Leslie, I'm not.
Leslie Knope: Well, then why do you come here at dinnertime and get takeout from the legendary JJ's Diner?
Lindsay Carlisle Shay: It's not for me. These waffles make great dog laxatives.
Leslie Knope: Don't you dare feed that waffle to that dog to get it to poop.
Lindsay Carlisle Shay: Sambuca need to make? There you go.

Andy: Morning, Ron. Ooh, dude, you forgot to put a shirt on. I do it all the time. It's fine.
Ron Swanson: I slept here.

Andy: So a little birdie told me it's your birthday coming up. How about a free birthday shoe shine?
Ron Swanson: What did this little birdie tell you is going to happen for my birthday?
Andy: Oh, nice try, Ron. You're not getting anything out of me.
Ron Swanson: Andrew, please.
Andy: Ron, look, I love you like a father who's not that much older than me... like a young Uncle... or like, uh, you were my camp counselor, but we're adults, so we hang out, and it's not weird, you know. Or, actually, here's what it is. You're my Lacrosse coach.
Ron Swanson: I get it. I get it. What's the point?
Andy: Well, coach, Leslie swore me to secrecy, so I can't say anything. I owe her so much. I can't ruin it for her.
Ron Swanson: Well, I respect that. See you later.
Andy: Okay... Not if I see you first, Uncle Ron. [laughs] And I probably will, 'cause Leslie assigned me to the kidnap squad.

Ann: Hey, jailbird.
Leslie Knope: Beautiful Ann, thank you for coming to get me.
Ann: Oh, my God, are you kidding? Are you okay?
Leslie Knope: It was a rough night, but I survived. Scone? They only have maple walnut.

Ann: Why did you get arrested? What did you do?
Leslie Knope: The only thing I'm guilty of is loving Pawnee... And punching Lindsay in the face and shoving a coffee filter down her pants. But in my defense, I believe that assault should be legal if a person is a jerk.
Ann: Why are you letting her get to you like this?
Leslie Knope: Because she's a stupid jerk... Because we were best friends and then she sold out everything that we believed in. And the worst part? To her, our friendship... it's like it never happened.

Leslie Knope: Wait a minute. Oh, my God. Okay, we have a lot of work to do. Ann, put these scones in your bra. Let's go.
Ann: Okay. Can we just stop off at the, um, lobby? 'Cause the prison gift bags are amazing.