Joan Callamezzo: Sex. Drugs, possibly. Rock and roll? We'll find out on Pawnee Today's exclusive interview with the woman at the center of the Dexhart sex scandal, Leslie Knope. Leslie, my first question has to be when did the affair start?
Leslie Knope: Joan, I spoke with Councilman Dexhart for the first time that night. We met for about 15 minutes, and then I went home alone, and that's the whole story.
Joan Callamezzo: Well, Leslie, we all saw the tape from four years ago, and you were flashing some serious "Do me" eyes. That's just my opinion.
Leslie Knope: I don't understand why I'm on trial here. You should be grilling Councilman Dexhart.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh, you know what, that's a really good idea. Uh, let's bring him out. Councilman, come on out.
Councilman Dexhart: Hi, sweetie.
Leslie Knope: Why didn't you tell me he was gonna be here?
Joan Callamezzo: I thought it'd be more exciting.
Councilman Dexhart: You look great.
Joan Callamezzo: [laughs] It's like I'm invisible.

Ann: Dude. You remembered me complaining about my computer bag.
Mark: Do you like it?
Ann: Yeah, it's perfect. It's way better than the gift that I got you. It's Pacers tickets.
Mark: Oh...
Ann: They're not even good seats.
Mark: This is awesome.
Ann: It's not awesome.
Mark: I actually got you a second gift. You don't have to come to this game with me. You don't have to.
Ann: That's the nicest gift anybody's ever gotten me in my life.

April: Councilman Dexhart, you're involved in yet another scandal? That's crazier than Mayor Gunderson's dog Rufus.

Leslie Knope: [as Bill Dexhart] Yes, there is a new one, and it's a doozy. I don't want to go into the details, but let me just say that it involves multiple women, a love child, nurses, rabbis, priests. Well, I hope you can all join me at my fundraiser tonight. I am being supported, of course, by the Glitter Factory and 1-800-mattress.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: [laughs] Classic.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Lot 48 was once a horrible and disgusting pit. And now it's the site of Pawnee's Winter Wonderland. This could not be more perfect if I had planned it myself. Which I did. And it's awesome.

Leslie Knope: So let's talk schedge, guys. The kids are gonna come at 9:00 a.m. on Saturday, and everyone's gonna do Santa for two hours. So I would just advise everyone before you get in your costume to go to the bathroom so we can avoid what happened last year.
Jerry: It was just farts.

Leslie Knope: 6:00 p.m., caroling with the youth choir. And I am proud to announce, for the first time ever, this year our tree-lighting ceremony will be simulcast on Internet radio. [mild applause] Thank you.
Tom: That's a really big deal.
Leslie Knope: It is. Thank you.
Tom: Listening to that tree lighting's gonna be dope!

April: Hey, uh, there was a message for you on the work voicemail. Councilman Dexhart wants to meet with you at 9:00 p.m. The boardwalk lounge.
Leslie Knope: Shut up.
April: No.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I'm not scared. I got nothing to apologize for. I could have been a lot harder on him. He got off easy. And often. [chuckles] Thank you. I'll be here all week.

Leslie Knope: Councilman Dexhart, I'm Leslie knope.
Councilman Dexhart: Thank you for meeting me.
Leslie Knope: It's my pleasure. I am assuming this is about my performance in the Government Follies last night. I'd just like to say that I have nothing to apologize for. Except for perhaps being too incisive.
Councilman Dexhart: I don't want you to apologize. I want to know who told you.
Leslie Knope: Who told me? Nobody. Nobody told me nuttin'! What are we talking about?
Councilman Dexhart: Well, based on that skit, I know you've heard about the new scandal that's about to break. Who told you? Was it the babysitter? Was it the nurse who delivered our love child?
Leslie Knope: What?
Councilman Dexhart: Oh, stop playing dumb. You know damn well what happened. I got the babysitter pregnant. Then, when she was in the delivery room, I had sex with not one but four nurses in a supply closet. As well as a woman whose husband was getting a liver transplant. Now, which one of them told you? Was it the liver lady?
Leslie Knope: Well, I--no one-- I haven't-- I haven't heard any of this ever in my whole life.
Councilman Dexhart: Oh.
Leslie Knope: Believe me, I would have remembered this.
Councilman Dexhart: Okay. Well, in that case, everything I just told you was just a funny prank. [chuckles]

Perd Hapley: [on newscast] The story of this story is that it won't stop developing. The mystery woman who met with Councilman Dexhart last night appears to be a government employee named Leslie Norp.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. Oh, God.
Perd Hapley: According to unconfirmed reports in the Pawnee Sun, the two bent an elbow at this local watering hole. And although they left separately, no one knows where they woke up... together. Perd Hapley, channel 4 news.