Andy: Hey. I've been thinking about your gay boyfriend all day. I have got some awesome ideas.
April: Okay.
Andy: First idea: Spray tan gift certificates.
April: Uh...No.
Andy: Trip to Germany. Germany is awesome.
April: And expensive.
Andy: Good call. I didn't think of that.
April: Okay, you know how people say that you should give gifts that you would want to get yourself? What would you want?
Andy: Easy. Indianapolis Colts Reggie Wayne jersey, number 87, double XL, home blue, signed by Reggie Wayne right after he catches a touchdown to win the Super Bowl.
April: Okay, never mind.
Andy: No? Hip-Hop Abs Dance Fitness DVD.

Leslie Knope: [on the phone] Hi, this is Leslie Knope, and I would like Joan to clear all of her guests tomorrow because I'm coming on the show. If you think that you can drag me and my friend through the mud, then you've got-- Yes, I'll hold.

Councilman Dexhart: Joan, this whole Pawnee sun story is "gotcha journalism" at its worst. Honey, let's just keep our private life In the bedroom where it belongs.
Leslie Knope: We do not have a private life. Stop saying that we have a private life. The fact is we never slept together. And if we did, you would have proof. And we would have seen it by now.
Joan Callamezzo: Councilman?
Councilman Dexhart: I can prove it. She has a mole on her right buttock.
Leslie Knope: What? That is a total lie. You've never seen my butt. What are you talking about? He has never seen my butt. [chuckles]
Joan Callamezzo: Well, I guess it's your word against his. I mean...
Leslie Knope: Fine. Here, Joan, why don't you look for yourself?
Joan Callamezzo: Is this happening? Wait...There's no mole. There is no mole! This exclusive story- There is no mole on Miss Knope!
Leslie Knope: I can't believe it's come to this. This is utterly humiliating.
Joan Callamezzo: Well, councilman, care to make a comment about no-mole-gate?
Councilman Dexhart: Yes. I really didn't think that Miss Knope would pull down her pants on TV. But since she did, I will admit that the rumors of our affair are indeed false.
Leslie Knope: Thank you.
Councilman Dexhart: However... I have no plans to resign.
Leslie Knope: Oh, great. Okay, councilman, you know what, you're a class act.

Dave Sanderson: I thought you did great. When you get all feisty like that, it gets my heart racing. Like I'm on a stairmaster. Except more like in a sexual... context.
Leslie Knope: I can't go to San Diego with you. My life is here. My friends, my career.
Dave Sanderson: I guess I just thought, with everything that happened, you'd want a fresh start.
Leslie Knope: I know, I- I really care about you, Dave. I just-- I love this town. I'm sorry. You want your ticket back?
Dave Sanderson: No. You know what, keep it. You may want to come visit me, right? There's a $75 change fee, but I could pay you that, or I could reimburse you. There's a lot of ways we could handle that.

Marlene Knope: Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. That took guts, mooning Joan Callamezzo. Aww, honey...
Leslie Knope: Thanks, mom.

Tom: ♪ Pawnee is a city that ain't very pretty and good government is our goal ♪
April: ♪ we may not be big and our mayor wears a wig but at least the raccoon infestation is under control ♪
All: ♪ It's the most wonderful time in Pawnee ♪

Andy: You gotta tell me about him. I don't know anything about him.
April: Okay, he's 23, he's kinda my boyfriend. He's gay. Last year we got drunk and he took me to the ice capades, and I didn't get him anything.
Andy: And he's gay?
April: Yeah.
Andy: Brokeback Mountain DVD.
April: No.
Andy: Fellas love that.
April: No.
Andy: Does he already have, like, chaps? Like, assless chaps?
April: You know what, forget it.