Ann: Okay, fine. I think you should stop. At least until you apologize to Bobby in person.
Leslie Knope: April?
April: I wasn't listening, but I strongly disagree with Ann.

Ann: All right, Leslie, what's your call?
Leslie Knope: Ann, there is nothing harder in the entire world than saying no to your beautiful face. But I'm going to. No! We're going to keep campaigning. Okay, but we're going to do it in a classy and respectful way to get Ann off of our backs.

Leslie Knope: "We're all your friends," said Mr. Bacon. "Welcome home." The end. And that is Groffle, the awful Waffle, a book that I wrote and published on behalf of my education initiative. Any questions?
Girl: Yes? How did Groffle cross the syrup river? And why did you call Mr. Newport a jerk?
Leslie Knope: Ah... Well, I should not have called Nick Newport a jerk, because we need to be respectful of all dead people. I mean, not Stalin or Hitler, but... I'm not calling Nick Newport Hitler.
Eugene: Ms. Knope, I have a follow-up to what I'm now deciding to call "jerk-gate." Are there any other deceased members of Bobby Newport's family you'd like to attack?
Rebecca: And quit ducking the waffle question. Did Groffle use a boat of some kind?
Ben: All right, that's all the questions for now. Thank you, everybody.
Eugene: Are we to assume that he swam across the syrup river?

Leslie Knope: I'm never going to get away from these Nick Newport questions.
Ann: It's obvious what you need to do. You have to apologize to Bobby and stop campaigning.
Ben: Okay, fine. We go to Bobby Newport, you apologize...
Ann: Good.
Ben: And then we leak the details to the press, which restores your reputation and buys us enough time to finish the bus tour.
Leslie Knope: Nice.
Ben: No, that's not a real apology. It's just sneaky. I don't like it.
Leslie Knope: Ann, for once, this is not about you. A man is dead.

Ron Swanson: Look, friend, I respect your slavish devotion to the free market, but you can't welch on a contract. [Bill chuckles] Where I come from, a man's word is sacred.
Bill Butler: Okay, what's your stance on pinky swears, George Washington? I'm taking the money.
Ron Swanson: Fine. I'll match it. I'll give you $10,000 for the vans. Deal?
Bill Butler: No. Price has gone up. Now it's $12,000.
Ron Swanson: What? Why?
Bill Butler: Look, I own a fleet of 22 crappy white vans, and for some reason there's a massive bidding war going on over them. Now for a guy whose only assets are 22 crappy white vans, it's pretty much a dream scenario, so I'm just going to ride this out, see where it takes me. And now it's 15,000.

Jennifer Barkley: This is a time of solemnity and remembrance. This is not a time for politi-- [tires screech] Oh, wow. Leslie Knope is driving her campaign bus through a memorial service.
Ben: Back it up! Back it up! Okay, back up! Back it up!
Jennifer Barkley: Just when we thought she couldn't stoop any lower. [bus beeping]
Ben: Go forward! Go forward! Go forward!
Jennifer Barkley: I feel like he's dying all over again.
Ben: Stop it! Oh. Oh, no.
Leslie Knope: Hi... Sorry, are we late?

Ben: I can't believe you turned this situation into a political sideshow.
Jennifer Barkley: Oh, come on, you guys were only going to apologize for the press.
Leslie Knope: No way, that's not us. You don't know us at all.
Ben: It's rude to say it.
Leslie Knope: We wouldn't even think it.
Ann: Yeah, that's a ridiculous claim.
Leslie Knope: We brought a "sorry for your loss" fruit basket for Bobby. And it is very classy. No melon, no apples.
Jennifer Barkley: You were going to use us, and we just turned the tables on you. 'Cause I'm smarter and faster. That is not a judgment. That's just a fact. We're both just doing whatever it takes to win, right? [chuckles] I love polka dots. It's so cute.

Ben: I'm sorry, I should have seen this coming. And we should not have driven here on a bus with your face on it.
Leslie Knope: No, it's my fault. And you know what? Jen is right. I'm no better than her.
Ann: No, Leslie, yes, you are. All you need to do is stop the machine for a second and go apologize to Bobby. Alone without cameras.
Leslie Knope: Thanks, Ann, but where was that advice six hours ago?
Ann: That's not going to work.
Leslie Knope: I had to try.

Chris: April. I just got Champion his dog food, cleaned your house, filed that paperwork-- you're officially April Ludgate Dwyer, installed a smoke detector, and now I'm back. What's next?
April: Nothing, Chris. Just sit down somewhere and stop bothering me.
Chris: [laughs] I can't. I've had a very tough year. I can't stop thinking about Ann and Millicent. And if I'm alone with my thoughts, I go to a dark place.
April: Okay, first of all, dark places are awesome. Secondly, Ann is kind of lame, so way to dodge a bullet. And Millicent is Jerry's daughter, so two bullets. And you're not alone. You've got... lots of friends. Somewhere. I assume. You're going to be just fine.

Leslie Knope: Hey, can we talk for a second? Look, I just wanted to say I'm really sorry your dad died, and I'm really, really sorry I called him a jerk.
Bobby Newport: That's okay. He was, like, a million years old. And he was kind of a jerk. The only reason I did this campaign was to impress him, and he couldn't have cared less.
Leslie Knope: You know, my mom was a great athlete when she was a kid. So in junior high, I joined the track team to impress her, even though I hated it. And at the end of the year, I ran the 5,000 meters in this huge track event. And I finished dead last. And I thought that she was going to be really disappointed in me. But she wasn't. She ran up to me, and she wrapped me up in this big hug, and she told me she had never been more proud of me.
Bobby Newport: Thanks, Leslie. That's a great story. I'm not 100% sure I get the point, but--
Leslie Knope: You finished this race, Bobby. The campaign is over, and you finished. Win or lose, I bet you anything that your dad was proud of you.
Bobby Newport: Now I get it.
Leslie Knope: There you go.
Bobby Newport: Your mom and my dad are both dicks.