‘Bus Tour’
Season 4, Episode 21 - Aired May 3, 2012
Leslie hires a bus for a final publicity push in her campaign against Bobby Newport (guest star Paul Rudd), but her campaign receives unwanted attention when she insults the Newport patriarch. Meanwhile, Andy tries to figure out who struck Jerry with a pie.
Quote from Tom
Donna: If you let Newport have the vans, they just sit there in a lot. If you let us have the vans, they drive around town all day. Free publicity. Everyone will see your logo. Which is you all pressed up on some chick with huge cans.
Bill Butler: Yeah. It was a hell of a day. People need to know about it. And I don't need free publicity. I can just pay for it. With my $10,000.
Tom: Look, I ain't gonna try to play a player. You're trying to get beaucoup bucks just like the rest of us. So how about this? I have a business idea for a gourmet alcoholic yogurt. I call it... Yogurt platinum. I'll let you in on the ground floor. And let me tell you, it's going to be worth way more than 10 grand.
Bill Butler: Yeah, but now that I know your bad idea, I can start the company myself. With my $10,000.
Tom: No, you can't do that! Ron!
Ron Swanson: Tom, Donna, could you please give us a moment? I'd like to talk to Bill, man to man.
Tom: He's gonna steal yogurt platinum.
Bill Butler: No, I'm not.
Quote from Donna
Tom: There's no vans within 50 miles, and, for some reason, no one wants to lend me $10,000.
Ron Swanson: Even if we had the dough, that bunco artist would just demand more, trust me. [Bill honks horn]
Tom: Don't move. Let's just stay here. For like an hour, and not let him out.
Donna: This isn't right. Our girl's worked hard. We're so close. [crashing sound] I know he didn't just hit my baby!
Bill Butler: Hey! What the hell, guys? Move!
Donna: All right. Y'all got your seat belts on? [revs engine] Oh! [tires screech] Did you see that? That son of a bitch just rear-ended me.
Tom: Am I dead?
Bill Butler: What the hell?
Donna: Exactly, Bill. What the hell? You just rear-ended me.
Bill Butler: That is not what happened.
Donna: But I got witnesses.
Tom: Yeah. It went down exactly the way my girl said it did, you mean, bald man.
Bill Butler: Hey, what about you, Mr. "A man's word is sacred"?
Ron Swanson: Well, it is, but you're an ass[bleep].
Donna: So we can settle this now. I will accept payment in van rentals.
Bill Butler: Gah!
Quote from Leslie Knope
Ben: Okay, everybody. Big, big news. Uh, Leslie, would you like to do the honors?
Leslie Knope: No, I think you should deliver the news.
Ben: Yeah, but you're the candidate.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, but you're the brilliant campaign manager.
Ben: But you're the cutest.
Leslie Knope: I love you.
Ben: I love you too.
Ann: Hey, were you going to tell us something?
Leslie Knope: Oh, yeah.
Quote from Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: April, you are a very intelligent and savvy young woman. I do not just think of you as just a gofer, but right now, I need you to get me a triple espresso with eight sugars.
April: Okay.
Quote from Andy
Ann: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the next city councilor of the great city of Pawnee, Leslie Knope! [cheers and applause]
Andy: This is "Eagle one," "been there, done that" is leaving the stage. "I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it" is in position.
Quote from Ben
Ben: [aside to camera] Everybody says they care about the issues, but at the end of the day, all anyone really wants is free clothing shot at them from a cannon.
Quote from Andy
Andy: I've been staring at this board for days. I'm so close to putting it together. There's got to be something we missed. Let's go over this again. The video shows that the pie came from a high angle, so it would've hit your face... like this.
Jerry: Mm-hmm.
Andy: Don't close your eyes.
Jerry: Uh-- [sighs]
Andy: No, no. It was actually from up higher. Is that about right?
Jerry: Yeah.
Andy: Good. Clean yourself up. Let's do this again.
Quote from Tom
Donna: Well, what now?
Tom: He's just playing hardball. Let me tell you how it's gonna go down. In a few minutes, we'll walk in there, we'll give him our demands, and then, bam! I start crying. [sobbing] We need the vans, so please, give the vans, please? We need the vans. [Donna and Ron walk away]
Quote from Perd Hapley
Leslie Knope: [on video replay] Frankly, he's a real jerk.
Perd Hapley: Harsh words, but this reporter does love those t-shirt cannons. Now, Jen, what are your thoughts about all of this?
Jennifer Barkley: This is not a time for politics. I am calling on Leslie Knope to cancel all of her campaign events out of respect for the Newport family. Anything else would be a classless move, on par with spray-painting nipples on the Lincoln memorial.
Quote from Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: Okay, emergency meeting. I need everyone to gather around me in order of how much I trust them.
[Ann and Ben stand next to Leslie. Jerry backs away]
Leslie Knope: Here's the situation. A man has died. But that man is 98 years old, and he's an awful man. However, he is a man, and he died.
Ann: Also, you called the dead man a jerk.
Leslie Knope: However, he was a jerk. He put a lot of people out of work, he had tons of mistresses, he polluted this town.