Ben: You know, when I was in high school, we had to spend a week carrying around a sack of flour, pretending it was a kid. Why don't you make Tom your sack of flour, see how it feels to parent him a little?
Chris: Ben, that is literally the greatest idea in human history.

Ann: [on the phone] Yeah, just have Mr. Traeger call me when he gets back in. Actually, you know what? Don't tell him that I called. Just when he gets there, can you text me and tell me he's back? You know what? Let's just pretend this didn't happen, okay? This is Jerry Gergich calling. Bye.

April: I have to tell you a secret. But if you tell anyone, I will kill you slowly with a giant syringe.
Ann: Good morning, April. What's your secret?
April: I'm thinking about applying to veterinary school in Bloomington.
Ann: Oh, my God, April, that's great! [April holds up a giant syringe] Whoa! Where'd you get that?
April: The Internet. So I really need a letter of recommendation. And since you work in a hospital, as a janitor...
Ann: Nurse.
April: I was wondering if maybe you would write one for me?

Ann: [aside to camera] Generally, between us, April always has the upper hand. And that hand is usually giving me the finger or pouring honey in my purse. But now I have the upper hand. And I'm going to use it to crush her... Into being nice to me.

Ann: I would be happy to write you that letter. I actually know the guy who runs the veterinary program over there.
April: Because you hooked up with him?
Ann: I don't hook up with everyone I know. Although, yes, we did hook up. But before I write you that letter, you have to spend the next week with me and do everything I say.
April: So I have to be your slave or something?
Ann: No, you have to be my friend.
April: No, that is so much worse. [points syringe at her own neck]
Ann: Don't do that.

Chris: Tom, I have something I need to talk to you about.
Tom: Do we need to sit like this?
Chris: Yes. Mona-Lisa's taking advantage of you. And I'm sure that it's not easy when it's the sister of a dear friend.
Tom: Oh, no, it's not that. She scares the crap out of me. I once saw her punch a police horse in the face.
Chris: Speak directly to her and tell her, "I will not be disrespected." You're Tom Haverford. You're a smart, successful young man with an adorable, little belly. Stand up for yourself.

Boy: How much to rent this jacket?
Mona-Lisa: Oh. Curly Sue, that jacket is so ugly. You should just take it.
Tom: It's 15 for the day, 40 for the week. Thank you. We appreciate your business.

Gene Strackwell: Gene Strackwell, owner of Strackwell Hardware. Is there a form I need to fill out for the bailout?
Leslie Knope: [stammers] We're not bailing anyone out. Pawnee Videodome is receiving historical landmark status.
Gene Strackwell: We've been around way longer than that stupid art house movie bullcrap. And people need places to buy tools.
Morris: Uh, you can just buy tools online.
Leslie Knope: Bailiff, why is he back in here? How did you get back in here?
Morris: I'll see myself out. Don't worry about it.

Joe: I heard you were giving out free money. I need $3,000. Minimum.
Leslie Knope: Mr. Fantringham, the city of Pawnee is not gonna give you a personal loan.
Joe: What would you do if one of your citizens was about to come into some serious physical harm... unless he got $3,000?
Leslie Knope: I'd call the police.
Joe: You cannot call the police.

Ann: Okay, you have to choose one.
April: I can't think. These braids you did are making my brain hurt. Fine. Miranda.
Ann: No, I think you're a Charlotte. You're like a scary Charlotte.