‘Article Two’
Season 5, Episode 19 - Aired April 18, 2013
When Leslie aims to remove some of the town's outdated laws, she encounters opposition from local history buff Garth Blundin (guest star Patton Oswalt). Meanwhile, Ann and Ben compete over a gift for Leslie, and Chris gives April and Ron a management training course.
Quote from Donna
Donna: What are you bidding on? It better not be Terrence Howard's tank top from Hustle & Flow.
Ann: It is not.
Donna: Good. 'Cause I am bidding on it and I am ready to spend an amount that my accountant calls "dangerous and irresponsible."
Quote from Leslie Knope
Ted: Okay, fine. You want to enforce every single old law we have on our books? Hey, can I see your keys for a second? Here's a quarter. I own your car now.
Tom: Wha--
Ted: Sorry. The Pawnee Charter clearly states that any white citizen has the right to seize any Indian property for 25 cents.
Leslie Knope: That is an outdated and racist law. And obviously they meant "American Indian."
Ted: Whoa, I think we should be careful when we speculate what the Founders intended when they wrote the charter.
Leslie Knope: Okay, Ted. I know what you're doing. You're quoting me back to me. But I'm gonna quote me back to you and say that Ted Party Day will never change.
Ted: Uh-oh. You, a woman, just raised your voice to a landowning male. According to a Pawnee statute passed in 1868, I get to do this. [cracks an egg on Leslie's forehead]
Leslie Knope: I was not aware of that statute.
Quote from Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: I now realize that I was wrong, and it's time that we purged the books of many of our town's outdated and obscure laws. The bill that I have written with the full support of the city council will repeal 110 obsolete laws such as: Al menstruating women shall be confined to their bathtubs and Article Two, aka, Ted Party Day. The floor is now open for public comments. Oh, here we go.
Garth Blundin: Thank you. My name is Garth Blundin, and I object to your ridiculous proposal. The Pawnee Charter shall not be changed. Not today, not ever!
Leslie Knope: Wow, a lot of passion, Mr. Blundin. Thank you so much. Your objection is noted and officially in the record. Shall we proceed to a vote?
Garth Blundin: No. No, we shall not. Article Seven, Section Three allows for a "citizen filibuster." If I stand here and refuse to yield my time, you are prohibited from voting on the bill.
Leslie Knope: That section defines "Buffalo meat" as acceptable currency.
Garth Blundin: Is that the Buffalo meat one?
Leslie Knope: Mm-hmm.
Quote from Tom
Andy: Oh, God. I hate this place.
Tom: Everything is old. Old things are dumb. It's like, just be new.
Leslie Knope: I don't know, Tom. I think there's some pretty cool things from back then.
Tom: That is a dope bonnet.
Quote from Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] There's no way I'm losing this contest. Old-timey dress? Check. Extensive knowledge about early prairie life? Right here. Rickets? Cured. Don't need to worry about rickets. Antiperspirant? Not allowed. Might get a little rough in there.
Quote from Andy
Leslie Knope: I just don't think he's ever gonna quit. He has that look in his eye that Ben gets when he plays Risk.
Andy: Oh, wow. That is really good.
Leslie Knope: Andy.
Andy: No, I'm sorry. This tastes great. All my favorite foods have butter on 'em. Pancakes, toast, popcorn, grapes. [gasps] Butter is my favorite food.
Leslie Knope: Well, then you're gonna love what I'm churning up. Take a look at-- Oh, my God. This is horrifying. Nobody eat that.
Quote from Ben
Ben: What's that?
Ann: Well, since I can't give her a waffle iron for breakfast day, I am making her a miniature Leslie out of breakfast food.
Ben: Good lord. Well, listen, I've been thinking. How would you feel about going in on the waffle iron together?
Ann: Seriously? That would be great, but whose holiday are we celebrating?
Ben: Well, I think I may have a plan that'll get us out of breakfast day and waffle day and all the other days without making us seem like ungrateful people who are annoyed at how amazing Leslie is.
Ann: Dude, whatever it is, I'm in.
Ben: Okay, great.
Ann: What should I do with this?
Ben: Just burn it and bury the ashes and pray it doesn't haunt you.
Quote from Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Garth dropped his protest, and we were able to get rid of all the outdated laws in the town charter. I mean, the charter is a wonderful document, but we've had the benefit of almost 200 years of learning and advancing. Seems to me we ought to use it. I did not change Article Two, though. I just couldn't vote against a good, old-fashioned lake dunking. Though Garth and I did come up with a compromise that I think will make everybody happy.
Quote from Andy
Andy: Hey, Ted. Great job today. You were so funny when you were like, "My cell phone, I left it in my pocket." Then you checked it, remember, and it didn't work.
Ted: Yeah, that was hilarious. Listen, I am just here to say that I am done with Ted Party Day.
Tom: Ha! Classic Ted.
Quote from Leslie Knope
Ted: I'm serious. I'm not getting dumped in that lake anymore. And I talked to the other Teds in town, and they're not doing it either.
Leslie Knope: Come on, Ted Party Day is protected by Article Two in the town charter. And we have the right, nay, the obligation, to dump Ted into the lake every year. That's the way it's always been done.
Ted: Okay, first of all, "That's the way it's always been done" is not a good reason to keep doing something. Second, it was a misprint. They clearly meant "tea."
Leslie Knope: I just think you need to be careful about speculating what the Founders meant when they were writing the town charter.