Sanders: I don't have to go anymore.
Nick: Really?
Sanders: Yeah.
Nick: So that's not full of pee?
Sanders: No.
Nick: I saw you drinking those sodas. [tickles Sanders] No, no, no, it's good. How about now?
Sanders: Stop, stop, you're gonna make me... I don't have to go, I don't have to go.
Nick: Get in there, dude, or get out of this party. [Sanders walks away] Wrong choice.

Jess: And just a tip...
Nick: Yeah?
Jess: If you want people to use your toilet, don't camp out in front of it.
Nick: Do me a favor, if you're going to go in.
Jess: Mm-hmm.
Nick: Really sell it, 'cause I want girls to see it.
Jess: Okay.
Nick: You know what I mean? Just, like, make a show of it.

Jess: Ooh, just my style! Nicely vintage. Can't wait to get inside! Sure wish I had a good book. Can't wait. [opens porta potty door] Oh, this is horrible!

Lighting Guy: I get it. You told me like, ten times.
Schmidt: Okay, but I'm just saying, I don't know what that one does. Look, the instant the big speech begins, you initiate toast sequence. You got that, Red? Look, don't-don't mess this up. Tippy go bye-bye, you mess this up. Tippy go bye-bye.
Lighting Guy: Okay. Okay, great. Bite me, you wang.
Schmidt: What did you say, man?

Schmidt: It's almost toast time, and I made up a few cards. You know, just jotted down a few notes and bullet points for you.
Nick: I'm just gonna do my own toast. I know what I want to say about you.
Schmidt: At least take a look at them. I worked really hard on these.
Nick: "I'm nothing without you." "Thank you for supporting me during that thing, financially and..." This is a full speech.
Schmidt: Feel free to make it your own.
Nick: Why is it that you think you're better than me, Schmidt?
Schmidt: What? What are you talking about?
Nick: Why do you think you're better than me? Our friendship didn't used to be this way. You know, back in college, we were equals.

[flashback:]
Younger Schmidt: You get any last night?
Younger Nick: No. You?
Younger Schmidt: Hell, yeah.
Younger Nick: Really?
Younger Schmidt: No.
Younger Nick: [laughs] We're equals.
Younger Schmidt: Equals.

Nick: And then you got that juicer, which I was excited about. You were at a dangerous fat level, but somehow you got skinny, and I became this idiot that you need to take care of.
Schmidt: Don't resent me for getting my life together.
Nick: Oh, your life's together?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Nick: You're throwing a party to celebrate living with your college roommate for ten years.
Schmidt: Yeah.
Nick: What are we doing here? What are we celebrating?
Schmidt: What do you mean, "what are we celebrating?" We're celebrating TinFinity! Ten years, two hearts, one home! Loyalty and great conversation. It's right here on the cards!

Jess: Hey, Winston.
Winston: Aha. I see you've come to gloat.
Jess: Is Jax known for being intense?
Winston: Yeah, Jess, he's supposed to be intense. He's a professional athlete. You know, he doesn't run. He sprints. He doesn't jump. He leaps. And he doesn't like, Jess. He loves.
Jess: Hmm.

Shivrang: Ex-Excuse me. Can I... Can I have your attention, please? Uh, excuse me. Could I please have your attention? Um... Oh. Whoa. Hello. I don't know, um, any of you, but I'm Shivrang. Hello. And... oh, there's music now. Um, look... And... Oh. Oh.
Schmidt: What the hell is this?
Shivrang: Um, Cece, where are you?
Cece: Hey.
Schmidt: Uninitiate toast sequence! This isn't it. This song is for Nick and I!
Shivrang: Look, I know I said I wasn't gonna do some big proposal thing, but that being said, I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with you, so... [guests gasp] Cece... Do you, um... do you want to do this thing?
Cece: Yes.

Jax McTavish: Hi. Uh, I'd like to say something, too.
Man: [to Jess] That's Jax McTavish.
Jess: I know.
Jax McTavish: Um, I'd like to report a missing item. My heart. It was stolen by that little heart thief right there.
Jess: I'm... I'm innocent. I didn't... I was framed.
Jax McTavish: I just want to say in front of God and all these people at this gorgeous party that I'm in love with you.
Jess: Mm... no. No.
Jax McTavish: And I know it's early...
Jess: Nah.
Jax McTavish: ...but I think I met the girl that... I'm gonna marry.
Jess: Who...? Who?
Jax McTavish: I'm gonna marry you!
Jess: We are not on the same page.
Jax McTavish: I'm gonna marry you. I'm gonna put a baby in you. We're gonna have dogs and cats. I met my third wife!