Nick: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, look at the door, don't look at the door, look right now, don't look, one at a time, look, but don't look. Guys, one at a time. Don't look now. Look. No, you're both looking.
Schmidt: I don't know what to do.
Jess: I'm confused.
Nick: Look right now at the door. Go.

Winston: You guys talking about Jax? Look, I interviewed him at the radio station, and we just hit it off. It's not a big deal, you know, unless you think hanging out with a pro baller is a big deal.
Nick: His hands are so big and warm. I want to fall asleep in them, like Thumbelina.

Schmidt: Nick... the theme is "masculine garden party." Look at that ... I made a graph.
Nick: I thought you said I was gonna help you plan it.
Schmidt: Nick, we both know that you're not very good with party chores.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: You sent out the invitations, right?
Nick: Me?! I sent them out?

Nick: I don't want the responsibility.
Schmidt: You can do this, man. What, what are your chores?
Nick: Well, Porta Potties.
Schmidt: Porta Potties. What's ... now, what is the first chore that I gave you?
Nick: I have absolutely no memory.
Schmidt: Balloons!
Nick: I'm having an anxiety attack.

Winston: I couldn't stop you from inviting Jax to the party, but I can stop it from going any further. I will not lose Jax as a friend, okay? I might not have any game, but, oh, my goodness, can I take game away.

Schmidt: Why on earth would you buy a...? You know what? Forget about it, I'm proud of you.
Nick: Thank you, man.
Schmidt: I gave you a chore and you came through. Yeah, now, look, now we have two.
Nick: What do you mean we have two ... two of what?
Schmidt: Two bathrooms. Yours and El Baño Presidente.
Nick: That's a porta potty?
Schmidt: Yeah, luxury toilet.
Nick: I thought that was the visitor's center.

Nick: That's enormous. Why did you get that, Schmidt? What, did you think I was gonna screw up?
Schmidt: No, come on, man, no. You know how our relationship works. I'm over-responsible, you're under-responsible. Here's the good news ... now people have a backup to use...
Nick: No, I want everyone to use this, I want it to be the main potty.
Schmidt: Oh, n-no, I don't think that should be the main anything. I think people would be better off if they just made a caca in their hand.
Nick: I don't think so. Mine's better than that.

Schmidt: Who needs balloons? I didn't want balloons anyway. This isn't a little girl's birthday party. This is a celebration of friendship.
Nick: Then, as a friend...
Schmidt: Yeah.
Nick: I want you to get rid of that. I want everybody using mine.
Schmidt: You spit on the... You brought a dirt dungeon to our TinFinity.
Nick: All right, well, we'll see.
Schmidt: I'm proud of you; You did good.
Nick: I'm proud of you. You bought a spaceship.

Jess: Hey, flag on the play. Too many men on the field. Winston, get out. Jax, over here on the bench with me.

Robby: I don't really do well with bathroom pressure.
Nick: Robby, don't dog me like this.
Robby: I'm gonna give you your space.
Nick: No, 'cause they're all following you, Robby, they're all... Get in there.