Shivrang: So, good news. Um, my mom spoke to your mom last night, and they've given us their blessings.
Cece: So that means...
Shivrang: Well, now that the moms approve, when do you want to do this thing?
Cece: Is that a... that a proposal?
Shivrang: Oh, are, are you upset? I'm sorry, I... It's just, with arranged marriage, there isn't a lot of romance.
Cece: No, no, no, I'm s ... I'm sorry, actually. I think I'm just a little taken aback by how quick this all has been. I barely know you, and... I used to just think that if I was being proposed to, I would notice it was happening.
Shivrang: But we're doing this thing?
Cece: Maybe you could just stop saying "doing this thing."
Shivrang: Yup.

Schmidt: Hey, man. Rented out the whole park, so take your soccer someplace else.
Boy: Give us our ball back, you douche.
Schmidt: Hey, yeah, sure, no, I'll give you your ball back. Great. [punctures it] Pure tin, pure tin. Take your football back to Europe. [throws ball]
Boy: Really?
Schmidt: Who's the douche now, you douche "B"?

Jess: I'm getting that mouth on my mouth, and don't you try to stop me, you...
Nick: Look, clearly I have the upper hand when it comes to Jax.
Jess: Do you?
Nick: Oh, I do, because I know all about sports. Jess, you know nothing about sports.
Jess: Oh, what am I going to do? I guess I'll just have to use my eyes, hair, boobs, legs, and adorable personality. [chuckles] Fool.
Nick: I got, like, three of those things.

Nick: These are amazing. You also got tablecloths? I feel so fancy. How much did you spend on this, Schmidt?
Schmidt: Ah, Nicholas, I have what's called an income, you know.

Nick: Check this out, Schmidt, you're gonna freak out. Hey, I'm presenting, I'm presenting it. And that ain't no rental. Get up here. This is owned and operated by Mr. Nick Miller. Little help from Sid.
Schmidt: You bought a Porta Potti?
[flashback:]
Salesman: This one has warm and cold water, real soap dispensers, a fan.
Nick: Too much. What's that?
Salesman: That's garbage.
Nick: Garbage ... that's what the nursing home said about my mattress. I'll take it.
[present:]
Nick: For 60 bucks, and they threw in something called "septic enzymes," which I don't know what that is, but you're not supposed to get it in your eyes, for sure. I'm a small business owner.

Nick: What's going on, Sid? Did you tell 'em that ours works? Hey, guys, this is available, no line.
Sanders: That Porta Potti looks weird, Nick.
Nick: What?
Sanders: It looks a little, looks a little weird.
Nick: You look a little weird, Sanders. Why don't you wipe your butt with a little strawberry crepe, you little whiner?

Cece: You remember Shivrang?
Schmidt: Shivrang, what is up, my man? Welcome to America. Listen, just a little heads up, we're serving cow-meat tacos tonight, so...
Shivrang: You mean beef.
Schmidt: Cow meat, Shivrang.
Shivrang: [to Cece] I'm not crazy. It is beef, right?

Nick: Hey, I'm sorry about Cece, man.
Schmidt: I know it sounds kind of cheesy, but I always thought that I was gonna be the man to bone Cece for the rest of her life.
Nick: I think we all did, buddy.

Nick: Hey, Jess, do I have frosting on my lips? Look at my mouth ... do I have frosting on it?
Jess: Wh-Why are you asking me this?
Nick: My mouth feels moist and weird. Do I have anything on it?
Jess: Get out of here!
Nick: Ugh! Aw...

Hipster Guy: No, you actually don't need to wash raw denim. Haven't washed my pants in 18 months. Also, I'm bisexual.
[later:]
Tech Guy: Microchips be gettin' small. They be, like, blueberry size. So you could put 'em in your cereal, girl.
Jess: I don't get your thing.
[later:]
Man: [rubbing lotion on his arm] It's prescription.
Jess: Damn it.