Jess: Why does everybody get to have a party for everything in their life? Why can't I have a party for really dedicating myself to knitting this summer?
Schmidt: God, I hate that you knit. I hate everything about it.
Jess: Why?
Schmidt: It makes me angry and scared all at the same time. Just like when I hear the phrase, "Academy Award winner Anna Paquin."

Jess: Maybe there's a reason I'm not up on a fridge, you know? Maybe some people are fridge people, and other people are... toilet people.
Nick: You think you're a toilet person? [Jess laughs] You're not a toilet person. You want to get on the fridge, you'll get on the fridge, Jess. Just be yourself, and if he's not into Jessica Day, then there's something wrong with him.
Jess: Be myself. Like do my Tina Turner impression?
Nick: How did your brain jump there?
Jess: [sings] What's love got to do Got to do with it?

Winston: [o.s.] I'm all right! I just rolled off the couch.
Schmidt: Winston, please!
Winston: I can't close my ass!

Schmidt: Okay, we have gone to wedding after wedding this summer, and, with the exception of Coach and myself, none of us have truly taken advantage of the sexual opportunities that a wedding provides.
Jess: Not true. Wedding number seven, an unneutered dog ran after me, so...

Nick: I made out with a bridesmaid.
Jess: You did?
Nick: Yes.
Coach: She was wearing a hospital bracelet and carrying a dead goldfish in a bag.
Nick: [snorts] She was still a bridesmaid.
Coach: She looked like the snowman from Frozen.
Nick: Hey, aim for the middle. The ride's rough at first, but the body adjusts.

Schmidt: We are hooking up tonight, all five of us, including the gimp. This is the last wedding of summer, which means it is our last chance. Nobody meets anybody in fall...
Nick: No.
Schmidt: Or winter. What, are you gonna gamble on the unknown contents of a bulky sweater?
Nick: Not me.
Schmidt: Do you realize how important this is?
Coach: I do.
Schmidt: Winter... is coming. No one comes home alone.

Schmidt: You got this.
Jess: Think so?
Schmidt: Yes, you got the bangs parted. You're looking good.
Jess: Really?
Schmidt: Yes.
Jess: Okay.
Schmidt: Wait a minute. Hold on. [grabs ice cubes] Stick your boobs out. Gotta turn the headlights on.
Jess: Ew! Schmidt.
Schmidt: But you got it.
Jess: Sex fist.

Nick: Now get your little white butt back out there and finish the summer of sex that you started.
Schmidt: That's what I'm talking about. Cece gone.
Nick: See that bridesmaid right there? The pretty one?
Schmidt: Sure do.
Nick: The foxy lady?
Schmidt: Mm-hmm.
Nick: Well, you're going home with her tonight. And I got your back.
Schmidt: Look at that. She looks like the girl from the commercial playing tennis with a tampon in. Let's do it.

Jess: Ugh! I just want to get back out there, but I feel like I forgot everything I knew. Do you guys still like an Oakland face with an L.A. booty?

Coach: I'm sorry I didn't call you.
Woman #1: Why are you so scared of intimacy? Who broke your heart and why haven't you forgiven her?
Coach: Uh... well... Yeah, the thi... Huh?
[montage:]
Woman #2: You're arrogant, you're sexist...
Woman #3: You stole my phone charger.
Woman #2: You're conceited. You're a liar.
Woman #3: [takes photographs in Coach's face]
Coach: Aah!
Woman #4: I rented Best Man Holiday. You're not in it.