Coach: May, huh? That's your name?
May: Yeah.
Coach: Ah, that's crazy 'cause, uh... [coughing loudly, clears throat, groans] know I just met you,
but your name's already written on my heart. [shows up cardboard heart] It's fate, baby.
May: It's fate-- seriously?
Nick: All right, come on! Five-minute warning, let's go.
Coach: Dude, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
May: Oh, no, nope, you're in the middle of nothing, because that's the cheesiest thing I've ever seen.
Nick: [chuckles] She hates you, Ernie. But I don't like her for you, anyway. Let's go.
Coach: Wait, what do you mean?

Ryan: I just don't know what to do. No schools are hiring. I've contacted everyone I know. I even checked through all my contacts in England, including my old headmaster at Wellington Prep, to see if he knew of anything in the States.
Jess: [sings] Where there's a will, there's a Wellington way.
Ryan: How do you know the Wellington fight song?
Jess: You sing it in your sleep.
Ryan: Oh, God.

Jess: Look, don't worry, you're gonna find a job.
Ryan: I'm just worried about not seeing you as much if I switch schools.
Jess: Well... I'll just have to sleep over more.
Ryan: Or you could move in with me.
Jess: Did the music just get louder?

Winston: Let's go, let's go, let's go. Let's go. I got the backpack in the back of the pack!

Fawn Moscato: Hey, so listen, can't make the crawl. Bummed. But remember, tomorrow we have that photo shoot, and I'm gonna need you to look as Mexican as possible, okay?
Schmidt: It's not okay. We should be together. It's Valentine's Day.
Fawn Moscato: Come on, you don't really care about Valentine's Day, do you?
Schmidt: I don't know, maybe I do. Plus, you owe me. I ran the teleprompter at your last debate. I made "Fawn is Fine" bumper stickers on my own dime. I even krumped at that anti-gang initiative.
[flashback to Schmidt dancing in front of a group of men]
Fawn Moscato: Yeah, I have mixed feelings about that.
Schmidt: Me, too. The point is I'm tired of always doing your things. What do you want? You want a... you want a photo op or you want a boyfriend? Call me when you know what you want.

Coach: Good evening. Happy Valentine's Day. May I offer you a piece of my hear...? [May turns around] Hey. You again.
May: I'm curious, d-do you actually think that's gonna work?
Coach: I mean, you tell me. [imitates heart pumping]
May: Are you trolling bars on Valentine's Day, trying to find sad, single girls to hook up with you?
Coach: I'm not gonna say yes, and I'm not gonna say no, because saying no would be a lie. So yes.
May: I'm gonna... I'm gonna take these.
Coach: Don't!
May: Yep.
Coach: Paid $3.50 for those. You owe me $3.50.

Jess: I don't know, it's just such a huge step and so early in the relationship, and I thought that I could skip the question and come back to it later, which is the strategy I taught my S.A.T. prep course.
Cece: All right, let's do pros and cons.
Jess: Okay, pros: I love him. I love his house. I love his accent. When he says "raccoon," he says it like "rac-coon."
Cece: Adorable.
Jess: Cons... His toaster is super-old.
Woman in Stall: [o.s.] Ugh! I tried to stay out of this, but move in with him!
Jess: Yeah, well, I-I want to move in with him, but...
Woman in Stall: No "but," there's no damn "but."
Cece: No "but."
Jess: But... what if I blew it by pretending I didn't hear him? Or maybe it wasn't that obvious.

Schmidt: You are gonna outdrink Miller? No one outdrinks Miller.
Cece: I do.
Schmidt: I guarantee you, you don't.
Cece: You don't know me.
Schmidt: Cece, Nick just got dumped, okay? He has a depth of anger and sadness that rests between his eyes, and he can drink forever and ever and ever. You'll lose every time.

Coach: Damn it!
May: Are you following me?
Coach: No, I'm not following you, dude. Do you have any nicer, sluttier friends?
May: Yeah, I do, and I'm never introducing them to you.
Coach: That's messed up.
May: And they're real dirty.
Coach: Aw!

Coach: Ah. You have a Kansas license.
May: Where I learned to drive, and I have an emotional attachment to it, and I don't need to explain that to you.
Coach: No, you don't, but... [holds up Kansas license]
May: You're from Kansas?
Coach: Yup. Well, I'm from all over. Army brat.
May: Me, too.
Coach: You are?
May: Yes.