Cece: [whispers] Let's murder her.
Schmidt: What?!
Cece: I want chicken wings.
Schmidt: I know. How many drinks you had tonight?
Cece: Nine plus three minus one.
Schmidt: Oh, no. That's...
Cece: Because I'm gonna outdrink Miller.

Winston: Whoo. Where my altos at? Come on, now, don't be shy! I see you!

Jess: I'm so sorry that I pretended not to hear you. It's just that... I wasn't ready for it, and sometimes you mumble with your accent, and I never fully understand you. I'm sorry.
Ryan: I'm sorry. I asked you to move in with me out of the blue. What kind of... nutter does that?
Jess: The craziest mother nutter in the whole damn place! Ryan Geauxinue, will you move in with me?
Ryan: I have my own home. You live in a loft with four guys and a urinal. Will you move in with me?
Jess: Yes.

Mike: Last call!
Nick: Ack! We got one more bar on the crawl! We have to finish the smile!
Mike: You're never, ever gonna make it. And I'm never gonna ride a Jet Ski with Tom Colicchio on my back,
so sometimes dreams just don't come true.
Nick: I'm sorry about that guy Galecky not hugging you from behind in the water on a motorized thing! I'm sorry! We will finish what we have started!
All: [cheer] Yay!
Nick: We will feast on the spoils of this night for a thousand moons! In the name of love and booze! [crawlers cheering]
Mike: Oh, no. My crush is back. I hate myself.

Winston: Hey, man. How's it going?
Coach: I'm not hooking up tonight. I met one girl. Several times. She's pretty much perfect.
Winston: Nice. Where's she at?
Coach: I ditched her, dude. She's, like, relationship material. That's not what I'm looking for tonight.
Winston: Really?
Coach: Yeah, I want something easy.
Winston: Something easy?
Coach: Like Sunday morning.
Winston: Like Sunday morning.
Coach: Know what I'm saying?

Jess: Anyway, what's going on in your little lives?
Schmidt: Well, I'm just enjoying the fruits of dating a semi-powerful local politician. Tonight, it's a Valentine's Day cardiologists' soiree. Check that out.
Jess: Oh!
Winston: Oh, my goodness.
Jess: Is that the invitation?
Coach: Wait, that's a real heart? Looks like meat.
Winston: It's not shaped like this?
Schmidt: Yeah, well, you know, the cardiologists feel that the traditional cartoon heart, uh... promotes ignorance.

Jess: Hey, Nick. Are you covered in gravy?
Nick: Nope. I've been in my room for the last week sleeping and thinking and really getting into the comic strip Cathy.
Schmidt: Oh, so really excited that we can finally talk about Cathy.
Nick: When she's mad, she says, "Ack."
Schmidt: Ack.
Nick: Ack.
Schmidt: Ack!

Winston: He's about to crack. We have to go tonight.
Nick: So I have news about a bar cr... Was I just out here talking to you guys about the bar crawl? Did I already pitch it all to you? Well, it's happening tonight!

Nick: Okay, so we hit six bars in five hours.
Ryan: Wait, wouldn't six hours make more sense?
Jess: Yeah, that'd make sense 'cause it all divides...
Nick: No, no, it doesn't, because it's... it's five hours. Now, the amazing thing is, if you connect all the coordinates, the six bars form a perfect smiley face on the map. Look.
Jess: You didn't actually connect all the coordinates.
Nick: Oh, my...

Schmidt: Well, it's with a heavy heart... [laughs] Oh! ...that we really must leave you.
Fawn Moscato: We really must. He's too much.
Schmidt: It was a pleasure.
Fawn Moscato: Pleasure. Easy on the puns, okay? And you've got broccoli in your teeth. Remember what I told you about eating at public functions?
Schmidt: Only use your back teeth.
Fawn Moscato: Only use your back teeth.
Schmidt: Hey, Fawn, I'm sorry. We should probably get to Nick's bar crawl now, yeah? You remember? I confirmed it, like, ten times with your intern.
Fawn Moscato: Yes, yes, yes, no. First, I need to, uh, schmooze some vascular surgeons. Got to get a discount on my spider vein removal. Okay?
Schmidt: Okay, ten minutes tops.