Coach: Uh, you ever lived in North Carolina?
May: From 1989 to 1992.
Coach: Moved there in '93.
May: No.
Coach: You ever live in Germany?
May: Dusseldorf in '96!
Coach: Lived there in '97! That's so weird. So, we've, like, just missed each other for our entire lives. And then we meet, like, three times in a row in one night. [May laughs] Seems a little weird. It's kind of like, uh...
May: Fate?
Coach: No.
May: I know! I can't believe I said that!
Coach: Why did you say that? That is so cheesy.
May: Oh, I hate that!

Nick: Hey, Coach! Coach!
Coach: I don't know them.
Winston: I got a female condom if you need it, my man! [whoops]
Coach: [to May] Don't hold this against me, please.

Cece: Valentine's Day just sucks.
Schmidt: I don't know. I kind of like it.
Cece: Since when?
Schmidt: Since a few years ago. Since three years ago, to be exact.
Cece: Oh, what happened three...? Oh.
Schmidt: It was when you first took a chance on me. And we humped until the sun came out. Did all the things that R. Kelly raps about.
Cece: Yeah, I know. I was there.
Schmidt: It was the best night of my life, and ever since then, Valentine's Day has always been my favorite holiday, and I hope that you don't remember that I have said any of these things tomorrow.

Nick: Home base! Barkeep, bring us beer.
Mike: If you call me "barkeep" one more time, I'm shutting this bitch down.
Nick: Mike, I love you because you're gay... and 'cause you're dangerous.
Mike: I can't believe I used to have a crush on you.

Winston: This, uh, Schmidt's jacket you're wearing?
Cece: Yeah.
Winston: Not to be a nosy buddy, but sparks are flying like the Wright brothers between you two. And I would know. I have their biography here in my backpack.
Cece: I care about Schmidt, but just as a friend, all right?
Winston: Look me in the eyes, and tell me you don't have feelings for Schmidt.
Cece: I don't have feelings for him.
Winston: Dude, you are nowhere near my eyes.

Fawn Moscato: Nobody hit on me. I'm taken.
Man: Hey, baby.
Fawn Moscato: Don't talk to me. I'm a councilwoman. Schmidt? Did the whole crawl to find you. I'm cold, I'm tired, I'm sober. I'm wearing my strapless bra like a belt. But I know what I want. I want you. I want you to be my boyfriend. As much as I want a commuter lane to Costa Mesa! [crowd whooping]
Schmidt: Vote Moscato!

Ryan: Oh, this person will not stop texting me.
Jess: Where is it?
Ryan: Sorry. Oh, it's an e-mail from Wellington Prep.
Jess: You do realize we were just about to have sex, right? Say something to get back in the mood. Say "raccoon."
Ryan: They're offering me the job of headmaster.
Jess: In England?
Ryan: Raccoon?

Jess: Well, I love you, which is why I can't let you pass up this opportunity. If we were ready to live in the same place, then we should be ready to live 5,000 miles apart.
Ryan: Yeah, I suppose, but...
Jess: Well, I'll call you every night after work. It'll only be, like, midnight your time.
Ryan: I could learn to stay up late. Maybe I should try cocaine!
Jess: Yeah! Or coffee!
Ryan: That, too.

Jess: And I'll come and visit. It's only, like, an 11-hour flight.
Ryan: And then a four-hour drive to Wellington.
Jess: That's so long! Which is great... 'cause I can catch up on podcasts. We can do this! We can do this long distance, right?
Ryan: Right.

May: You again?
Coach: Yeah, me again. Look, um, I'm sorry about earlier. I just, I-I really didn't plan on-on meeting somebody so great tonight, you know? You messed everything up! 'Cause you're, like, awesome and that sucks because it's like, that's not what I want. And you're pretty, which is a bummer. 'Cause it's like, damn! She fine, but it's like,
at the same time, I'm like, I don't need this in my life. You wear a leather jacket...
May: I'm sorry. I'm just confused. Are you trying to say something nice right now?
Coach: Yes. I am. And I'm terrible at it. Is there any way I could get, I ca... I, um... I could get your number maybe?
May: [writes] [coughs]
Coach: Aw... [laughs] A long number. What the hell is this? Is this your e-mail address?
May: Write a good e-mail, and I'll go out with you.
Coach: What?
May: I'm talking full sentences. I'm talking no typos. No pictures. No pictures.
Coach: God, you are gonna make this really hard for me, huh?
May: Yes. [they kiss]
Coach: You smell good.