Jess: Where's the food? Where- Where are all the pies I made?
Nick: Look, don't worry, Jess. 'Cause the food is right here.
Jess: I'm sorry. I don't understand that gesture.
Nick: We're gonna be hunting and foraging for our dinner, just like the Indians and the Pilgrims.
Jess: But you brought beer.
Nick: You can't forage for beer. And that's a necessity.

Nick: I'm not saying it's gonna be easy. It's gonna be hard. But we will emerge out of this better friends and a tribe.
Coach: I'm on board. [chuckles] Going old-school. Men! Killing! Hunting! Men!
Schmidt, Coach & Nick: Men! Men! Men! Men!
Schmidt: Oh, my cowman's my cowman my cowman's hat, my cowman's hat.

Winston: Guys, look, I'm as much a man as anybody here, but this plan is straight-up dookie. I need my sweets and I need my parade.

Nick: These wilderness guides right here detail what plants are safe for eating and what traps we can build. Unfortunately, I ran out of money, so I couldn't print out the chapters on gutting and skinning, but we'll worry about that when we get there. Pilgrim rules. Men, hunters! Women, foragers.

Nick: This is perfect. Primal man in nature. Stalking prey. Who's basically the lady now, Coach?
Coach: I've seen that tree six times in the past 20 minutes. We're definitely moving in a small circle.
Nick: Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna clear a path this way. We will travel northbound, I believe.
Coach: That's not north; that's south.
Nick: That is south? Then let's travel southbound. I'm gonna clear a path. If something's in there and you get injured, I promise you I will kill you fast.

Schmidt: Scat! Scat. There's an animal nearby.
Nick: Hey, Schmidt, that's a raisin, man.
Schmidt: That's not a raisin. This is scat. [eats it]
Coach: Okay.
Schmidt: [coughs, clears throat] That's poop for sure. I was right. In your face, Nick.
Coach: In your face, Nick.
Nick: How so?
Coach: I don't know, he put a put a turd in his mouth.
Nick: And that's in my face?
Coach: Yeah.

Schmidt: That's a mighty big hole there, Nick. You trying to catch a refrigerator?
Nick: It's a bear hole. Bear falls in, other stuff falls in. We take what the bear doesn't want.
Coach: Makes sense.
Schmidt: Classic human/bear team-up.
Nick: I'm from Chicago. It's the best I can do.
Coach: Yeah, bears love to share.
Schmidt: What are you planning on doing with that bear when he falls into the hole?
Nick: Dude, I'm trying the best that I can! We have no food.

Schmidt: Now that the cards are finally on the table, I guess we can see who the true camp master really is.
Coach: The answer's me.
Schmidt: First one to make a flame wins. Let's do this. Now, check this out. This is how you make a flame. You go with two rocks. One against the other. You create friction.
Coach: I'm done.
Schmidt: What?
Coach: I'm done.
Schmidt: Well, that's barely a flame, it's going out. [fire expands] Whoa! Well, goodness gracious! What are you? A sorcerer? Damn it!

Nick: Don't patronize me, Jess.
Jess: I'm not.
Nick: Ever since we started dating, Jess, we've been doing a bunch of girly stuff, and I like some of it and you, but my tolerance to alcohol has, like, gotten really, scary low. I drank three beers, and I got, like, all giggly and tired. And I didn't want a fourth. Last night, I had a dream that I was brushing a horse. I just feel like I'm losing myself a little. Just let me eat this disgusting fish and..
Jess: No, Nick, Nick.
Nick: Yeah, just let me be over here.