Schmidt: Friends, imagine yourself in this scenario. You're at the local gymnasia. You're schvitzing up a storm. Suddenly, you get a text message. There's an emergency wedding down at the town hall.
Nick: But what'll I wear? I mean, I'm sweating at the gym.
Jess: Huh, I don't know what's going on. I love this.
Schmidt: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you...
Nick: Game time!
Both: The Swuit!
Coach: Ugh.
Schmidt: The Swuit. The Swuit. It's a suit made entirely of sweat suit material.
Nick: Well?
Schmidt: This is it?
Nick: What do you guys think?
Schmidt: This looks like garbage. It looks like garbage.
Nick: I don't think it looks like... relax.
Schmidt: Nick, it looks like garb... It's embarrassing. Put it away.
Nick: The bottoms aren't great, but the top...

Schmidt: We don't have enough time, okay? I'm running out of vacation days, and our pitch meeting with Lori is on Friday.
Nick: Friday?! You never told me Friday. He never told...
Jess: Guys...
Schmidt: I told you a hundred times it was on Friday.
Nick: That sounds like it could be right, yeah. Could be Friday. Yeah.

Schmidt: Now we need another good idea in four days.
Nick: Ah, I can't work under pressure like this. You know that I get nervous. I am just a man. I am not a god.
Schmidt: Uh, I think we're all aware of that.
Nick: Why you talking like that?
Schmidt: Like what?
Nick: "Well, we're all aware of that."
Jess: Guys, stop fighting! You're upsetting Winston. [Winston smiles]

Nick: It's so early. You made me swallow my night guard.
Schmidt: Oh, please, it's a paperclip with gum wrapped around it. We're in a crunch.

Jess: Hey, Schmidt. So I noticed you're having trouble working with Nick.
Schmidt: Well, you know what, he's got a real head full of dog dirt.

Jess: So I noticed you're having trouble working with Schmidt.
Nick: He's a bossy old tuna.

Cece: The answer is gonna be no, all right? Because when you borrow money from friends, things get weird...
Coach: N-N-No, do not mistake this for friendship, young lady, all right? As far as I'm concerned, you're
just a walking treasury bond. Within three years of graduation, you will pay us back in full, plus ten percent of the principal.
Cece: I really don't want to do this. At all.
Coach: But...
Winston: There's always a "but," huh?
Cece: But I don't really have any other choice.
Winston: Yes! You were right, man.
Cece: So I guess we're in business, boys.
Coach: Yes. We wrote the check out to Cece.
Winston: We do not know your full name.

Schmidt: This is... this is your vision from start to finish.
Nick: I might be the seed, but you're the farmer.
Jess: Hey, you two look like you're really getting along.
Schmidt: Yeah, well, you know what, who wouldn't get along with this brave, masculine, healthy cowboy?
Jess: What you got there?
Schmidt: It's a camera attachment. That keeps the attention of your dog while you're taking its picture.
Jess: Oh.
Nick: Schmidt came up with a great title for it. It's called "Perfect Pet Pic." This is just a prototype that dumb-old me came up with. If he put it together, it'd be a lot better, I promise you that.
Schmidt: Now, of course, could-could you just hold some pet food in your other hand? Sure. But this is a lifestyle product.

Schmidt: I'm really proud of the way that you're handling this.
Nick: I'm proud of the way that you've handled this. What have I handled?
Schmidt: Y-Your man problems.
Nick: No, honey, you're the one with the man problems.
Schmidt: I don't have the man problems. I'm being so nice to you because you're the one who has the man problems.
Nick: No, no, no, sweetheart, I'm only being nice to you 'cause you have man problems, and I feel sorry...
Schmidt: No, you have man problems and that's why I'm being nice to you right now.
Nick: Honey, honey, honey...
Schmidt: What man problems did you think I had?
Nick: Something hangy.
Schmidt: Hang...? You think I had something hanging off...

Nick: What'd you think I had?!
Schmidt: I don't want to get too graphic, but I... I was picturing something gooey.
Nick: Gooey's not the worst... I've had gooey.
Schmidt: Oh, good God, what?
Nick: Simply ignore it.