Schmidt: Who told you about my man problems?
Nick: Who told you about my man...? [both look at Jess]
Jess: Look, the only reason why I did this was to get you guys to stop arguing about who's the boss...
Nick: Don't you be sorry! You're nothing but an angel!
Schmidt: Jess, you did nothing wrong!
Nick: You tried to help us, which is a sweet move!
Schmidt: You tried to help a situation...
Jess: You're yelling nice things at me again!
Schmidt: which was at a boiling point.
Jess: It's very confusing!

Nick: This is his fault! He's been bossing me around for ten years!
Schmidt: If I hadn't been bossing you around, you would just be a bartender with a lot of ideas and the ambition of a dead person.
Nick: I will never let you boss me around again. Not even if the lives of 100,000 children depended on it. Fine, if-if... I take that part back. If a bunch of kids' lives depended on it, I'd let you boss me around.
Schmidt: You went way too far in that moment.
Nick: Fine, but you understand my point. If there were five kids whose life depended on it, I wouldn...
Schmidt: Not even five kids.
Nick: Okay, I... No kids, I don't... Pretend I...
Schmidt: Just take the kids out. I understand the point you're trying to make!
Nick: The company is dead! That's the point.

Nick: Thought you might not show.
Schmidt: I drove you here, Nicholas.

Nick: All right, that's really good, but it's not gonna matter, 'cause the only thing that matters is what I have. A prototype. So stay out of my way in there, and let me just show her the prototype, because that's all we need. [chuckles] We don't need a prototype.
Schmidt: Did you forget the prototype?
Nick: No.
Schmidt: Did you forget the prototype?
Nick: No.
Schmidt: Did you forget the prototype?
Nick: Yeah.

Professor Dust: I'm talking about postwar. That's after the war. Prewar would be something different completely. I was in London postwar, post-postwar, in '77, and, uh... I caught a few shows. The flights were... Well, I think I spent two... maybe $250 to get to...
Coach: Guess who?
Cece: What are you doing here?
Coach: I'm just checking in on my investment.
Cece: Oh, my...

Nick: Uh, the dog, uh... the dog... You put the food in the thing. Uh, and then the dog sees it, and, uh, the food's dangle-dang... uh, it's dangling. To, uh, do-do-do... Dog... Looks at dang-dang. Tail wag-wag, uh, rev... dog wagging the ta... Um, whatever dog's name is. Dog's name is Claire. Claire come in.
Schmidt: Who-who's Claire?
Nick: Shh. Uh, Claire sees dog food. Pic, Facebook, like, like, like... Pet Pic...
Schmidt: Sizzle... strategy, sex, something.
Nick: Strategy, sex, something.
Schmidt: S-Something.
Nick: Something.
Lori Greiner: This is the worst pitch I have ever seen.

Schmidt: Look, Lori, you get it.
Nick: Look, Lori, you get it.
Schmidt: Lori, you get it.
Nick: Do it together.
Both: No one doesn't love the Swuit.
Jess: Don't settle for substitutes. Swettle for swub-si-swuits. No?
Lori Greiner: I've got to stop drinking on the golf course.

Jess: Just meet in the middle.
Schmidt: Dynamic duo.
Nick: Dynamic duo. Batman and Robin.
Schmidt: Yeah, I'm Batman.
Nick: I'm Batman, for sure.

Nick: Kai broke up with me.
Jess: No.
Winston: I'm sorry, dude.
Jess: I'm sorry. What happened?
Nick: She said she wants to be with somebody who can just sit on the couch all day. She said I'm too ambitious; she said I work too hard. [Schmidt stifles laughter]
Winston: Nah, it was the... It's not funny. It's just that when you said that out loud, it made me laugh.
Jess: I'm really sorry about Kai. She seemed like a great girl, but on the bright side, in all your years on this planet, has anyone ever dumped you for working too hard?
Nick: No. No, it's mostly 'cause I'm either too poor or too sticky.

Jess: So this is a big day then.
Nick: For the first time in my life, I really want to do something with this, you know? I really want to make this business work. Schmidt, tomorrow, let's start bright and early, 7:00 a.m.
Schmidt: No, no, no, Nick, I want to do it your way. Let's wake up at 12:00 noon.
Nick: Just said your way.
Jess: Hey, guys, how about 9:30?
Schmidt: Now that's a genius right there.
Nick: 9:30, let's say 9:30.
Schmidt: Let's meet in the middle.