TV Quotes

Schmidt: And time! All right. Let's see what you got. "I am the Karduthian champion of... of dance." "Beer bread."
Nick: Beard bread. Bread that is in your beard.
Schmidt: That's an... that's an invention? Or is that just something that happens to you? You think Hewlett had to put up with this crap from Packard? Again.
Nick: Oh, now I'm Packard? Enough!
Schmidt: You can't come up with a good idea being all loosey-goosey.
Nick: Why don't you tell that to Howard Hughes, the inventor of the Loose Goose?
Schmidt: That was the Spruce Goose, and it didn't work!
Nick: It did work! It flew for over a mile at an altitude of 72 feet!
Schmidt: How on Earth do you know that information and not know the name of it?

Winston: Hey, check it out. I'm a campus cutie.
Cece: No, you are not.
Winston: What are we learning?
Cece: Shh! I am studying Postwar British Art History.
Coach: What?
Winston: Post Br-British who? What's that?
Coach: That's just a bunch of words that mean "Screw you, investors." What else you taking?
Cece: Intro to Afrikaans.
Coach: What else? Astronomy 101?
Cece: That's next semester.
Coach: Wow.
Winston: What you gonna do, Cece, join the South African space program and be the first woman to put a David Hockney painting on the moon? Who is David Hockney?

Nick: I'm using magnetic words to break through my writer's block, and it's not working. I've already folded all my shirts and masturbated six times, and I'm running out of things to do. I'm just in a real bind. You see, The Pepperwood Chronicles sold over 30 copies, Jess.
Jess: So, what, we're complaining about good things now?
Nick: It's just, my audience is gonna be clamoring for a sequel, and I can't leave those stevedores, those-those tugboat workers, those lighthouse keepers empty-handed.
Jess: You think that your audience is entirely made of, like...
Nick: Blue-collar nautical workers on the coastline of Maine. I don't think that, Jess, I know that.

Nick: Hey, where are you guys getting your photos developed these days? I got these beefcake selfies that I want to dangle in front of Jess, get her engine revved up.
Schmidt: Your phone has a camera, Nick.
Nick: These are sexy, sensual, private pics. I don't want them beamed right into Snowden's pocket. I'm not going through Wikileaks, man. It's not for me. Analog. It's the only thing you can trust.
Winston: You care to elaborate, you know, on this whole analog thing?
Nick: No, here's the reality, you never know what's gonna happen with a phone.
Winston: Right.
Nick: The hinges that hold the flip together, they get loosened over time when... when they get wet. And then once you open it, it's easier for people to go in there and see your passwords and, you know, see your codes. Once the screen breaks, your information's in the Twitterverse, man. And it's all out there for everyone to see, all these little monkey elves, man, all these kids. That's all they do. [sputters] Get your information, man. Bottom line is you can't control your technology. That's what's going on in Japan with all those robots. Not for me, man. That's why I trust a hard copy. Plain and simple.