Aly: So a lion scares Jess's old boss in Nigeria, and we get so drunk we have sex on a dresser in America.
What a world.
Winston: It's all connected, baby. [Aly chuckles] And the broken dresser, that's my fault. I'm all haunch. I'll buy you a new one.
Aly: You don't have to. Because guess who has two dressers.
Winston: Rip Torn.
Aly: No. Me.
Winston: I mean, you and Rip Torn.
Aly: Stop talking about Rip Torn.

Cece: "A Guide to Your New Neighborhood by Jeremy" is very comprehensive.
Schmidt: Yes, the fact that we're in between a raisin house and a toothbrush house, makes me feel very confident about Halloween. Crime statistics? We have crime? Crime that warrants statistics?

Cece: About you and Nick. And about how you're being his girlfriend.
Jess: You mean being his good friend.
Cece: I mean being his girlfriend. A good friend will maybe drive someone to the mall in the daytime so that they can buy a blazer. They don't go on a giggly late night crime date so that they can steal one. That's girlfriend stuff. You've been doing a lot of girlfriend stuff lately.
[flashback:]
Jess: "Godfather of Soul, blank Brown." Five letters.
Nick: Bubba.
Jess: Okay.
[flashback:]
Jess: Wait, you want to know who wins in a fight between Winston Bishop and Winston Churchill?
[flashback:]
Boy: Hey, do you know what this book's about?
Nick: Bayou n-noir. Uh, Pepperwood, he's a private investigator...
Jess: It's about a man who has nothing, who risks everything, to feel something.
Nick: Thank you.

Jess: I feel it is unfair. To Reagan. She's your girlfriend, I'm your good friend. She, you know, she should... she should get to make you sheet cake.
Nick: Yeah, that makes sense. I just need to make something clear between us. If that's okay. You're saying "sheet" like "ghost clothes," not like "in a toilet," right?

Aly: Those day laborers were right. This stuff is awesome. Why was I so embarrassed for you to see it?
Winston: If this is your deep, dark, embarrassing secret, then I am worried for you to see what's buried in my storage unit.
Aly: I feel like I'm pretty up-to-date on your embarrassing secrets.
Winston: Oh, honey. I have chapters in my life you know nothing about.
Aly: Wait, really?
Winston: Here we go. I once sold knives door-to-door in high school. And... Byron Allen knocked me out.
Aly: Yeah, that was, like, the first thing you told me when we met.
Winston: Oh, yeah. [laughs] I do use that as an icebreaker, I forgot.

Jess: [gasps] Oh, my God. It's not all of a sudden. They've needed me all along.
Schmidt & Cece: Yeah.
Jess: Am I the only reason they're together?
Schmidt & Cece: Yeah.
Jess: Am I the architect of my own nightmare?
Cece: Okay, no, no, no, no, honey. It's not like you introduced them or something.
Schmidt: Well, they did just get together because she left for jury duty.
Jess: I've pushed those two together like a god on Mount Olympus, too cheap to pay for porn.
Schmidt: No, no, no, it's like their relationship is a flood that's about to happen and you're the little Dutch boy with your thumb in the dike.
Jess: Well, no more. I'm taking my thumb out of them. [groans]

Jess: Is there anything other than Dutch boys or... god porn? I know, pandas. I'm a zookeeper. They are my panda.
Schmidt & Cece: What?
Jess: Pandas wouldn't be alive without humans. They can't run, they can't growl, they can't even mate without us.
Schmidt: Have you been helping Nick and Reagan mate?
Jess: In a way, yes. But I'm done. This zookeeper is through handing out bamboo. Reagan and Nick deserve a chance to see if they can survive on their own.
Cece: Yes, and the zookeeper deserves a chance to... be on a late night show with hilarious animals that... poop on the... host's... I don't... what am I saying anymore?
Schmidt: I don't know.

Reagan: And don't you worry about accommodations, because we also took care of that.
Nick: You got your very own hotel room. It's adjacent to ours, but it's very private.
Reagan: I mean, it is called a peekaboo suite, so there might be a little bit of crossover.

Cece: All right, doggy door.
Schmidt: Sealed.
Cece: Attic.
Schmidt: Padlocked.
Cece: Crawlspace.
Schmidt: Uncrawlable. The cast of Sneakers couldn't get into this place.
Cece: Uh...
Jess: [enters] Well, I guess I'm going to Palm Springs. I just need your big-ass hat.
Schmidt: The front door.
Jess: Bye.
Schmidt: 25 points of entry is too many points of entry!

Winston: Okay, so I have one last secret.
Aly: So cute that you keep calling them secrets.
Winston: Just hear me out. Um, I've lied to every girl I said "I love you" to. I mean, I thought I loved them, but then... I met you and realized... I've never been in love before.
Aly: I did not know that.
Winston: Yeah, it was eating me up inside, so I called them each individually and said, "I never loved you."
Aly: Okay. Seems unnecessary.
Winston: One of them took it very badly.
Aly: Oh, one of them took it badly?
Winston: I mean, she's okay now. Well, sort... kinda. She lives at the top of a very tall tree.
Aly: Maybe, like, run stuff like that by me.