Nick: Reason 13: I like my stuff and I hate her stuff. Reason number 14: How am I ever gonna change my clothes?
Schmidt: You don't change in front of your girlfriend? You get naked in front of her.
Nick: Yes, but those are different things. When you're naked, you're powerful and it's glorious. When you're changing, you're hunched over and cowering, like an animal.
Schmidt: Animals don't wear clothes, Nick.

Nick: Hey. I'm sorry that this didn't work out. I'm sorry that we sucked.
Jess: Look, we don't suck. I'm crazy about you, but I don't have to spend every second with you in what amounts to a one-room log cabin.
Nick: Cabins are what drove the Pilgrims crazy. That's why they killed each other at the Plymouth Rock Massacre.
Jess: That's not a real thing.
Nick: So how did the millions of Pilgrims die?
Jess: There definitely weren't millions of Pilgrims.
Nick: Then how do you explain my 37-page essay about it?
Jess: I think you made it up in your head.
Nick: This seems like one of those "agree to disagree" moments...
Jess: No. It's not.
Nick: I'm also older than you.

Schmidt: Is that why you guys are sorting through my garbage? I appreciate the concern, you guys, but Abby has changed.
Coach: Then how do you explain this?
Schmidt: I put my coffee grounds in a plastic bag so it doesn't get the rest of my trash dirty.
Coach: Really?
Cece: Yeah, he does that.
Coach: You got clean-ass trash, man. I don't even need gloves for this.
Schmidt: Quit sorting through my trash, Coach. You're messing it all up.