Cece: Schmidt, you've known this girl for a couple weeks, okay? I've known her for 20 years, and, I am telling you, she's not to be trusted.
Coach: Your words are changing his opinions about things. [chuckles] Up top.
Cece: Mm.
Schmidt: You two as friends is a real bummer. I'm not into it.

Jess: You know, I've seen you naked before, right? What's going on there?
Nick: Oh! Never changed in front of a woman. You know, mostly you just hook up and...
Jess: Really? Are you serious?
Jess: All right, I'm gonna read. [clears throat]
Nick: [quietly] Okay. Here we go. [moans] Yeah, it's... Just gonna put this on here.
Jess: What is that?
Nick: Oh, this is my long shirt.
Jess: [snorts]
Nick: Yeah. Oh. That's why you're laughing. I had it on the wrong way. [laughs] That must have been funny-looking the way it was. I've never broken it out before you because, you know, we didn't live together, but it keeps the top really warm and lets my bottom breathe. And so yeah.
Jess: Why does your bottom need to breathe?
Nick: Well, it's like a plant. Needs sun and air to survive.

Schmidt: I feel very uncomfortable being here, I trust Abby, I don't want to spy on her any more, okay?
Cece: We're not spying. We're just carefully watching.
Coach: Girlfriend is going down.
Cece: Yeah, she is.
Coach: Let us bust her, buster.
Cece: [giggles] That was a good one.
Coach: That was.
Cece: Yeah.
Schmidt: Okay. [Cece and Coach both sigh] This dynamic between the two of you... It's very annoying to me. I'm sure I'm not alone on this.
Coach: Hi, hater.
Cece: Bye, hater.

Winston: Oh, you can do this. You can do this, Winnie. [to a boy] What are you doing here? On a school day? I see this means you're the cutting type. Which means you're the pantsing type. Well, I got news for you, buddy. You ain't getting 'em! Not today. How 'bout I take your pants, huh? Not like that, everybody! I'm not trying to take the little kid's pants. He's trying to take my pants. You see how he's eyeing my pants? So I eyed his pants... You know what? You win. You win, you little son of a bitch. You win!

Cece: So, anyway, I just want to apologize. It was wrong of me to get involved.
Schmidt: Are you sure you don't want to tap Abby's phone? Run a DNA sample? I don't want to be coarse, but the bedroom is covered in it.

Nick: Oh, hey. How was Sacramento?
Jess: It was great. The kids cried when they saw the capital.
Nick: Oh, did they? How many students showed up?
Jess: 30.
Nick: What hotel did you stay at?
Jess: Old Sacramento Inn.
Nick: What room did you stay in?
Jess: 523.
Nick: What floor was that on?
Jess: Five.
Nick: Was there an elevator to the 4th floor?
Jess: 5th floor.
Nick: Smoking or non-smoking?
Jess: Smoking.
Nick: You don't smoke.
Jess: In Sacramento, I do.
Nick: What'd you have for breakfast?
Jess: Continental.
Nick: How are you this good at lying?! I know you're making this all up!

Jess: No, I went to the hotel to get away from Nick. And I wore a robe and I watched a documentary about Ethel Kennedy and it was one of the best nights of my life. So you win. Your relationship's better than mine. And I can't even share a room with Nick.
Abby: I don't win. Come on. I swing from guy to guy. I don't think I have ever paid my own rent.
Jess: You travel the world, collecting lovers. All my lovers could fit in one SUV. And, yes, maybe somebody would have to sit on someone's lap, but they would fit. And you're just brave.

Abby: You and Nick are brave. You guys know each other, you get under each other's skin.
Jess: He has the feet of a hippy cult leader.
Abby: But that's the difference. I just throw myself into whatever comes along because I really don't want to be alone.
Jess: Why not? Being alone's great. You should try it sometime. Seriously. It might help you figure yourself out. [sighs] You're Abby Freaking Day. You can do whatever you want. Except vote. [Abby laughs] But, seriously, you should've seen Nick's feet. The bottoms are all black, except for one patch of yellow. [Abby laughs]

Schmidt: Hey, guys. Uh, just a little hot goss from apartment 4C. Abby's gone.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: She's gonna stay with your mom for a little bit. Something about saving up to be independent?
Jess: Wow. Good for her.
Nick: I'm sorry.
Schmidt: It's okay. You know in hindsight, maybe we moved a little bit too fast. I just wish that I had realized that before I rented her a storefront.
Jess: You rented her a storefront?
Schmidt: It was a three-year lease in an undesirable neighborhood. [chuckles] It totally obliterated my bank account, so I've decided to sublet my place, and I'll be moving back here, under duress.

Jess: You didn't like living together either?
Nick: No, but it was your idea, and it seemed like the thing to do. But at least I didn't lie about it, Jess.
Jess: Okay, I did! But you were driving me crazy. [quietly] You wear a nightgown.
Nick: Are you talking about my long shirt?
Jess: You look like the Little Match Girl, wandering around Victorian England selling matches for a penny.
Nick: I look like George Washington.