Schmidt: You're meeting a lot of young women, and for whatever reason, they seem to, you know, find you appealing. In the restaurant of life, you have selected the tasting menu.
Nick: Okay, I changed my mind. I don't want to do this any more.
Schmidt: Nick, you're terrible at lying, so what we want to do is, we want to focus on S.S.V.
Winston: I cannot believe you slept with Cece.
Schmidt: Short, simple...
Nick: Vagina.
Schmidt: Vague. It's actually... It's actually vague.

Jess: Don't look at me!
Schmidt: Oh, Jess, would you please! A winter hat is not gonna make us stop thinking about you from time to time when we delight ourselves.
Jess: Oh, no!

Cece: Do you know how many things I haven't told you?
Jess: No, I don't, because, apparently, I don't know you at all. Are you running a 10K tomorrow? Who knows? Are you even against MS any more? Beats me!

Jess: Cece? Cece, I can't... breathe. Cece, I know why you didn't tell me about Schmidt ... because you like him!
Cece: What?!
Jess: The shirt, Cece. You thought the shirt he made was funny. You obviously like him. It's the only explanation for thinking that's funny.
Cece: Oh, my God, I think you're right.
Jess: And you didn't want to tell me 'cause you knew that I would know. And you weren't ready to admit it to yourself.
Cece: Okay, can we just say that I didn't tell you because I'm a total bitch? 'Cause I'm way more comfortable with that. Oh, maybe I like Schmidt. You... You can't tell anyone.
Jess: Yeah. That's like a secret only I know.

Cece: Why can't we just donate the money? Why do we have to run the six miles first?
Jess: That's a good point, but, no, you're gonna go...
Cece: Oh, no, Jess, look, I can't go. I am super hungover right now. Plus, Masha had a bit of a crisis. She accidentally ate a cookie.
Jess: What?
Cece: Because she fell on it.
Masha: I am devastated.
Nadia: She is devastated.

Schmidt: [sighs] I mean, that was a close one. Good thing I'm a quiet breather. I learned that as a kid playing "Who passed out?" with my mom. My mom always won.
Nadia: Jew in the couch, Jew in the couch.
Cece: Nadia, American manners.
Nadia: Sorry. Jew-Jew person in couch.
Schmidt: She's not wrong.

Nick: What's going on with you? Are you okay?
Winston: I saw something a few days ago. Now, I've been sworn to secrecy, but it is just too big.
Nick: I know what you're going through. You know I can't keep a secret, I can't lie, Winston. You saw me with that girl.
Winston: Don't leave me like this.
Nick: Even thinking about keeping a secret turns my back into a Slip 'n Slide.
Winston: Come on, man, you got to help me out, okay? I'm dying. I don't want to know.
Nick: Hey, hey, hey, come on, come on...
Winston: I'm dying! I'm dying, man!
Nick: I don't want to know. I don't want to know!
Winston: Cece and Schmidt are sleeping together!
Nick: Ew. [groans]

Nick: Hey, Jess. We're just hanging out in the hallway. What's going on? Nothing's going on.
Jess: Yeah, actually, I'm really annoyed. Cece bailed on me again. We were supposed to train for that race this weekend.
Nick: That is so Cece.
Jess: I know... I mean, and the weird thing is that she said she was hungover, but last night she said she didn't want to go out.
Nick: Maybe she had a guy over. Not like that ... I didn't say anything. If you think about what I said, I didn't say anything.

Jess: You have a secret. You have a secret.
Nick: No, you have a secret.
Jess: Turn around.
Nick: You turn around.
Jess: Let me see your back.
Nick: Please don't. Just be cool about...
Jess: Ew, gross. J'accuse, Miller, j'accuse. You fold like a lawn chair. Fold, fold. Yes, you ... fold, fold, fold, fold, fold, fold.
Nick: Winston told me Cece and Schmidt are sleeping together!
Winston: Come on, man!

Schmidt: Just a quick sidebar. Uh, we've done it in every room of the apartment.
Jess: Ugh, even my room?
Schmidt: Just the one time.
Jess: Oh, God.