Schmidt: Let's apply it. I'm one of these young girls that's coming in here. I want to party. I'm in college. Let's do this.
Nick: I'm in.
Schmidt: Hey, what happened to your phone?
Nick: Jesus took it. A Jesus hawk on a speedboat. The environment. Bears, family, magic.

Jess: All right, one more. Schmidt said that Winston is in danger of becoming a nanny for life. He said you were going "full Poppins."
Schmidt: Okay, Winston, I can see anger in your eyes.
Winston: Schmidt said he thinks about you sometimes when he's making love to himself.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: One time.
Jess: What?!
Schmidt: I thought about bangs and your face just appeared beneath them.

Schmidt: Nick told me it happened to him, like, like, a bunch of times.
Nick: Winston, you told me the first week you got back from Latvia, you had a sex dream about Jess, and she had raccoon hands.
Winston: Dreams do not count.
Jess: You've all thought about me while self-completing?
Schmidt: Yeah. Look, Jess, it's not that big a deal. Really, it's, it's the sincerest form of flattery.
Jess: We're going back to keeping secrets. When I walk through this door and into my room, this conversation never happened. [o.s.] Oh, my God!
Schmidt: So, what did the raccoon hands look like?
Winston: Oh, man, they were digging through the garbage.
Jess: [o.s.] Oh, my God!

Winston: They know, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Sweatback? You told Sweatback? Come on, Winston. Jess.
Jess: God.
Schmidt: I am so sorry that you had to hear about this like this. But, I mean, can we just take a moment to celebrate me? Schmidtty really did it this time. I mean, I'm having Indian every night.
Jess: [lunges at Schmidt] No, no!
Schmidt: Whoa, whoa!

Schmidt: Nick, are you kid...? What, you keep the ringer on? Amateur move, man.
Nick: Yeah, I'm just in over my head. Schmidt, I hate asking you this, but how do you do this?
Schmidt: Oh, glory be, are you asking for my help? Oh, I-I'm flattered.
Winston: Pull up, pull up, Nick. Yank back on that yoke.
Nick: We have to face the reality of the situation. Schmidt has been having consensual sex with Cece and lying about it. He's better than us at this, Winston, and I hate it as much as you do, and, Schmidt, I hate saying this, but I might... I might respect you.
Schmidt: Thank you for saying that.
Nick: You've come a long way, man.
Schmidt: Since my 20s, I've had a string of lesser paramours which, like weathered stone steps, have led me to the Hindu temple, a.k.a. Cece, because she's Indian.

Holly: Yeah. I'm leaving.
Lena: I'm out. Hey, can you give me a ride?
Winston: Get out.
Holly: I'm gonna stop and get a manicure. Do you want to...?
Lena: Okay. Yeah.
Winston: You told Harpo to beat me?
Nick: Bye, guys.
Winston: You want them over me? Over me?!

Schmidt: You know, Jess thinking that we're a cute couple is... I don't... It's kind of a turnoff. How do we explain to her that this is just... it's just sex?
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Schmidt: What is that? That is shoddy workmanship is what that is. I'm taking you off prep. Go clean the garbanzo beans.
Cece: I'm taking my knife.
Schmidt: Be careful with that knife. It's from Japan.

Cece: You tell me everything, all right? I stopped telling you everything because every time I did, you got so judgmental and critical.
Jess: What?!
[flashback:]
Cece: I had to give it a try, Jess. I mean, that was the same hand that was inside Elmo.
Jess: Cece.
[present:]
Jess: Okay, yeah, you got me.

Cece: Jess, I'm really sorry you found out this way, okay, but trust me, it wasn't some big conspiracy. It was just something that happened and then it got out of control, sort of like poison oak and I just couldn't stop scratching it.
Schmidt: Cece started it.
Cece: That's... I did, I started it.
Winston: Why, Cece? Are you trying to get back at your parents?

Cece: Oh, Jess, I hate when we fight. I get so stressed out. I mean, my eye twitches back. I'm eating bread, all right?