Schmidt: What's that about, man? I mean, I think the shirt's pretty funny, no?
Winston: Not funny at all.
Nick: Puns are creepy, and they freak me out, and you know that.
Schmidt: I like it.

Nick: It worked.
Winston: Where did that come from?
Nick: I don't know. I'm trembling, but it worked.
Schmidt: That was so good my pants just got tight, Nick.
Nick: Oh, God, now I hate me as much as I've always hated you.
Schmidt: Skin.
Nick: See, I have to do this now.
Winston: No, you don't. Don't do it.
Nick: Yes, I do.
Schmidt: Skin.
Winston: All you have to do is just not do it.
Nick: I have to. No, because it works.

Schmidt: What are you doing to that basil, Cece? You trying to make it confess? Easy with the knife, Robespierre.
Cece: I will cut off your weaker fingers, Schmidt, and I'm gonna start with your pinky.
Jess: You guys are adorable.
Schmidt: We are not adorable. Okay? We are just two people having casual, successful sex.
Jess: My bad.
Cece: [whispers] Please.
Jess: All right. I can't stand this heat. I gonna get out of the kitchen. [limps away] Ow. Ow.

Lindsey: Okay, bye, Nick. So you'll call me?
Nick: Um, yeah, yeah, I'll definitely... [coughs]
Lindsey: Are you, are you okay?
Nick: I'm gonna call you. [coughs]
Lindsey: Um, okay.
Nick: Do you hike? Do you hike? [coughs]
Lindsey: Okay, I...
Nick: This was fun. [coughs]
Lindsey: Okay, I'll call you tonight to make sure you're okay?
Nick: Please. [coughs]

Nick: Hey, have you guys seen a scarf? Holly said she left it out here.
Holly: It's my favorite scarf because it's a circle, so you never have to think about which end goes on the right or the left. My therapist gave it to me. She's Asian, but she's the nicest. [Nick's phone rings] Who is that?
Nick: Nobody, just...
Holly: Who was that? Was it that stuck-up bitch from last night with the fake hand?
Nick: No, it was no one. It was just... it was just beep-beep-beep. Was... I'm so old. I don't even know how to use a cell phone. Come on. Let's go clubbing. You want to go clubbing?
Holly: Show me the phone.
Nick: Let's go back to when we were having fun.
Holly: Let me see the phone.
Nick: No, just chill out.
Holly: Let me see your phone.
Nick: No! [throws phone at the wall]
Schmidt: Smooth.

Nick: Oh, no, no, no. I hooked up with both those girls last week. I didn't know they knew each other. I thought they just lived in the same apartment.
Willow: Why didn't you call me?
Megan: Why didn't you tell me you hooked up with my roommate?
Nick: I don't... Willow, I didn't call you because I had a family emergency.
Willow: Is everything okay?
Nick: Yes, it is. And Megan, I didn't tell you about Willow because the moment we had was so beautiful and intense, that for a second I thought we were the only people on the planet.
Willow: Oh. Okay. Well, we'll see you later.
Megan: Bye.