Schmidt: What a situation, huh, Jess? Forced to spend time with someone who ruthlessly rejected you after you told him how much you cared about him.
Cece: Maybe...
Jess: Damn, he looks good.
Cece: Just wants everyone to get along.
Schmidt: Okay, if he wanted everybody to get along...
Jess: I'm seriously freaking out right now.
Schmidt: ...then he wouldn't have acted like such a callous lady jerk.
Cece: Lady jerk?
Schmidt: Lady jerk.

Winston: Hey! Do you guys know Sam's here?
Sam: Jess?
Jess: We're Irish good-bye-ing. Go! Go! Go, go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Jess: What, he just wants a relationship now, out of the blue?
Winston: You never just dreamed about him crawling back to you? Anybody who's ever been dumped has dreamed about that special someone crawling their way back to them. I mean, come on, right? It's the dump fantasy.
Schmidt: Let's workshop that term.
Jess: Of course I have. We meet in a hospital, during wartime. You can forgive a lot during wartime.
Schmidt: That is a fantasy, Jess. Okay, people don't change. They just think that they do. He's a player. Think about it. Why would a good-looking person ever become a doctor?

Nick: You are quick to the belt. Let's do this. You have been taken.
Angie: What's that?
Nick: A nearly perfect Liam Neeson.

Angie: Maybe you just can't handle this.
Nick: No. It's great. You're a stripper for now. I'm a bartender for now.
Angie: For now?
Nick: We're not gonna be that for...
Angie: Okay, well, for now, I'm just gonna walk away. For now, you can kiss my ass.
Nick: [to himself] Nick Miller ... turning lemonade into lemons since 1981.

Winston: Up on the housetop. Click, click, click. You know, I just want to say what's up to all my girls in the county looking so lovely, like you always sometimes do. [sings] Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? Ho, ho, ho...

Nick: And we're back, and I'm Dr. Gavin Daytona. You are live on the radio. We got a caller Wendy. You are on the phone with the doctor. What have you got?
Jess: Hey. Hey, Doctor.
Nick: This is Dr. Gavin. You're live to five million people.
Jess: I actually, I-I had a guy...
Nick: Oh, yeah, you did.
Jess: I really liked him.
Nick: Wah, wah!
Jess: I'm right not to believe him, right?
Nick: I don't know, actually. I think you're the kind of girl a guy would come back for.

Cece: It was a bracelet.
Schmidt: I don't even know what you're talking about.
Cece: Tungsten carbide, because you said that was the most baller metal.
Schmidt: That's what Statham wore in all the Transporter movies.
Cece: I just wanted to try to find a way to say thank you for telling me that you loved me. Even if I was the wrong person.
Schmidt: You're welcome, Cece. But love is stupid, okay? It is a lie. So, bah humbug to you, Cecilia. Bah humbug. Bah... humbug.

Jess: Where is your girlfriend?
Nick: I blew it. She's so out there and adventurous, and not afraid, and... She's probably bored of me already. I mean, she doesn't want to be here.
Jess: Does Angie ever do anything she doesn't want to do?
Nick: No.
Jess: What's wrong with a girl that's fearless? I think that could be good for you, especially since you're such a chicken. [clucks]
Nick: Don't.
Jess: Go get her.

Schmidt: There's two of you? Come on, I thought we were in the middle of a budget crisis.