Jess: You just think you can come back and I'm just gonna be waiting for you?
Sam: No, of course not. I mean... I had to at least try.
Jess: You're too late. I'm in love.
Sam: What?
Jess: With Winston.
Sam: What?
Jess: We've lain together.
Winston: No, yeah, I don't know how it happened. It just got stuck up there so far, so quickly.
Jess: The relationship.
Winston: You know, sometimes when we're hanging out, it can get a little rough.
Jess: Oh, boy, does it.
Winston: Yeah.
Sam: All right. Well, I didn't know that, so...
Winston: What's going on? I feel like I'm missing something.

Cece: Hey. I know... I know you're trying to avoid me, but just take this gift I got you and I will walk away.
Schmidt: I don't celebrate Christmas, okay? Or as I like to call it, White Anglo-Saxon Winter Privilege Night.

Jess: Officer, I understand how this looks and smells, but I assure you, I would not ever get behind the wheel of a vehicle if I had had even a drop to drink. This has just been the most crazy night. And I'm not going to cry because I believe in traffic violations and paying your debt to society, but you have to believe...
Cop: I believe you.
Jess: You do? Why?
Schmidt: Jess, be cool.
Cop: Sometimes people tell the truth. You drive safely, and happy holidays.
Jess: Was that...?
Winston: Santa.
Nick: Black Santa.

Schmidt: Cece, do you want to come? I mean, I think there's a cab stand, uh... Uh, maybe it's down that way. Could be over there, I don't know. I didn't really give it away, you know. I'd never do that.
Cece: Happy Hanukkah.
Schmidt: Happy Moon Festival, Cece.
Cece: Nope, not a thing.
Schmidt: Happy Carnaval.
Cece: You should stop while you're ahead.

Schmidt: I am so sick of hanging out with Christians. This is my last Christian Christmas.

Nick: You know, maybe I found out too early. I was five years old when "Santa" gave me my own fire truck and a teddy bear that smelled like my dad's cigarettes. [chuckles] That's not Santa.

Schmidt: Slade and Sienna are having a house thing. Oshiro-San is serving whale meat after midnight.
Winston: Huh? What y'all talking about?
Nick: Shut up.
Jess: Sadie is having a cookie-decorating party.
Schmidt: The gorilla twins are having a thump-thump.
Jess: Let's try to hit all the parties we can. Otherwise, I'm just gonna stay home and try not to call Sam.
Winston: What'd you say?
Jess: I'm gonna die alone. And merry Christmas.

Nick: The only we make this work is if we do the Irish good-bye. We leave the parties without saying good-bye. And I'm asking you guys as my friends to not be so damn awkward around my stripper girlfriend, just 'cause she's a stripper.
Schmidt: You are the most awkward.
Jess: You should probably stop calling her your "stripper girlfriend."
Nick: She's unpredictable and exciting, and I love that! Ol' Nick Miller lives on the edge now. Vroom! Vroom! And plus, we haven't had sex yet, and we might tonight. [grunting]
Winston: I understood that! Oh, yeah! What'd you say, though?

Jess: You haven't said one word to Cece since she got in the car.
Schmidt: I cannot believe that you invited her.
Jess: She's my best friend.
Cece: Hey, can I talk to you a little later?
Schmidt: Oh, were you hoping that I still had some soul left for you to crush?
Cece: I'm glad we're gonna be mature about this.

Jess: It's Sam! It's Sam! Put your coats on. We're leaving.
Cece: Sam Sam? Where?
Jess: Yes, he's right over there. He's talking to a woman whose sexuality I won't jump to conclusions about.