Jess: No. It was going really well. It was fun and then at the end, he clearly wanted to kiss and I thought I did, too, and then... instead I just gave him the old Pittsburgh good-bye.
Schmidt: Chuck on the arm and a handshake? Why would you do that?
Jess: Because, I... [sighs] In that moment, I just couldn't see myself spending the rest of my life with him. 80 years old, feeding him pea soup out of a tin cup.
Schmidt: I'm confused. Is this a happy ending for Jess Day? I mean, where are you living at this point, under a bridge?
Jess: I see you and Cece and Nick and Reagan and Winston and Furguson...
Schmidt: Aly.
Jess: Sorry, that just came out. Winston and Aly. And you're all in love, and I just... don't know if I'll ever have that magic with Robby.

Schmidt: See, this just proves my theory that if you were a man, you would have a very difficult time getting an erection.
Jess: You have a theory about that?
Schmidt: You're putting way too much pressure on yourself. It's a date, it's not the rest of your life. You had a good time, right?
Jess: Well, yeah, it was Robby. He's the funniest guy in the world.
Schmidt: So lighten up. If you want to kiss him, kiss him. Who knows... maybe you'll see if you have magic then.

Schmidt: Ooh, no, Cece, you know it's not Jess' birthday, right? Put that away.
Cece: Yeah, no, I know that. Um, this gift is for you.
Schmidt: What?
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Schmidt: Cece... It's a scarf.
Cece: Yeah. [chuckles]
Schmidt: I love it. Almost makes me want to go to Buffalo for work. Thank you.
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Schmidt: Look at... look at that. Oh, no. O-oh, no. Oh, no! How long does she think my freakin' neck is? It's a fat-man scarf. My wife gave me a fat-man scarf!

Cece: Let me take a few photos to send to a photographer I used to work with. Do some model looks.
Donovan: All right. Um, this one I call, "I just saw something patriotic."
Cece: All right...
Donovan: It was an eagle.
Winston: I was gonna say eagle.
Cece: I want to show some range. Show me "I just saw something unpatriotic."
Winston: How you gonna pull that off?
Cece: Oh.
Winston: That's some rich gravy, man.

Woman: I noticed you from across the way. Can I buy you a drink?
Winston: I'm sorry, but let me be very clear. I have a girlfriend., and I am very much so devoted to her.
Woman: Aw. Here's my number. Use it.
Winston: She didn't listen to a word... Throw a peanut out of frustration!

Jess: Just so you know, this is all your fault.
Schmidt: Oh, that's fair. I should have made it very clear to you not to kiss Robby while he was balancing a dangerous amount of weight above his head.
Jess: There was a moment before the bar came down where we were just two people kissing, and... nothing. No magic.
Schmidt: Look, at least now you know. No harm done, right?
Jess: A tremendous amount of harm done. Now I have to tell a man I maimed that I'm not interested.
Schmidt: On the bright side, you're not that hurt. Come to think of it, how are you not more hurt?
Jess: When I was in triage, they said that my neck muscles had served as kind of a neck helmet, which made me feel like I was not talking to real doctors.

Winston: You're still on that?
Nick: I can't figure it out.
Winston: Look. Imagine a world where you woke up one morning and instead of your face, you had Donovan's face.
Nick: Whoa.
Winston: And instead of your body, you had his. How would you feel?
Nick: If I had his face and his body?
Winston: Oh-hoo, yeah.
Nick: I'd feel fantastic.
Winston: And that's... how you know he's attractive.

Schmidt: Ooh. How'd your thing go? Break the news to Robby?
Jess: No. Before I could break his heart, I shattered his leg. It's now in two pieces, connected by... a skin tunnel where his knee should be.
Schmidt: Hmm. So, you've broken him twice now.
Jess: [sighs] How am I supposed to tell him I'm not interested now?
Schmidt: I don't think you have any other choice. I mean, what are you gonna do? You're just gonna pretend to be into him and then... nurse him for the rest of your life?

Nick: Cece. You've done a great job, but I'm gonna have to demote you.
Cece: Huh?
Nick: Shouldn't be a manager, because you should be a manager.
Cece: Are you just saying words in no particular order?
Winston: We asked Donovan to bring in a couple of his "hottest friends."
Nick: [chuckles] And he sure did. And I know that because I wouldn't mind having their faces. And I wouldn't mind having their bodies.
Cece: Okay.
Winston: We saw you on the phone with that photographer, and you have a gift. You shouldn't be managing a bar. You should be managing people like Donovan.
Cece: Beautiful idiots? No offense.

Cece: Well, I do know the business. And I hate working here.
Nick: Easy.
Cece: I mean, I'm gonna keep working here. I need the cash. Schmidt is eating us out of house and home.
Schmidt: Barkeep! Mudslide, extra whip.
Cece: Coming right up, babe.