Nick: Schmidt, I'm not calling her.
Schmidt: Listen to me, knowing every year that I will be going to the Wild Wild West Charity Auction for Poverty reminds me that I'm still a man, and I can still motorboat a hot girl who is also a member of the Cherokee nation, which is not racist because it is for a good cause.

Jess: [o.s.] Somebody's in here.
Schmidt: We're leaving in ten minutes, did you shave your legs?
Jess: I will now.
Schmidt: Front and backs?
Jess: Yes.
Schmidt: Thank you.

Schmidt: Just call Caroline, you call her all the time when you're drunk.
Nick: I don't know to what you are referring.
[flashback:]
Nick: [on the phone, in a Cockney accent:] Hello, Caroline. I still love you, so much. [sobs] So, much.

Jess: Schmidt, I know you really want to go to this party, but wouldn't it be better to find a girl who you really care about to motorboat, then maybe if you're super lucky, you find a girl who'll motorboat you right back.
Nick: I don't think she knows what motorboating is.

Schmidt: Okay, Jess, game time. Let's do this. If you wanna forget about Spencer, you're gonna have to do some very very bad things... with that man, right over there.
Jess: How bad?
Schmidt: Real bad, Jess. Real bad.
Jess: Like a, make-out sess, no tops?
Schmidt: Okay, this is what- This is what's gonna happen. You're gonna go over there and you're gonna stand next to him and you're gonna smile. [Jess smiles creepily] But, you're not gonna smile like that. [Jess shows a toothy smile] That looks like a hungry badger.

Schmidt: Nick, please get me in the party, I'm begging you, please.
Nick: No, I'm not calling Caroline.
Schmidt: Do you know what a cute cowboy I am? Do you have any idea?

Jess: Looks at us, couple of losers, we both got dumped, jees.
Nick: I'm fine. Six months ago so...
Jess: Do you know why she dumped you? I mean she must've hurt you pretty bad..
Nick: No, no, it made no difference to me, I just wanted to set her trash cans on fire.

Nick: So what's happening tomorrow, sailor?
Jess: You know what, you guys were totally right. I talked in short sentences, I didn't sing, I laughed, I smiled, I said I needed rebound sex and it totally worked. He asked me out. Dinner. With food. Ooh ooh.
Schmidt: I'm so proud of you. (Hugs her)
Coach: You got it girl.
Schmidt: You did good.
Coach: You got it down.
Jess: [sings] It's Jess, she's on fire!
[The guys groan as Jess turns around and they see her top is tucked into her panties]

Schmidt: What is it? Cece? Cecelia? Chechelia? Tell me what are your hopes and dreams? Are you warm? I'm a little, huh, I'm a little warm right now. [takes shirt off]
Nick: Don't, Schmidt.
Coach: All right.
Schmidt: Oh, yeah. There it is. [breathes deeply and flexes]
Cece: Please put your shirt back on. Please don't make me laugh at you.
Schmidt: Can I hit you up with some tea? A little herb tea? Ugh. Oh, my God. How good is that, for real, what? A little P-mint tea? Yum, right? Hot, sweet. A little teabag action. And I wasn't, I wasn't talking about...
Nick: [grabs the douchebag jar] There it is. Douchebag.
Cece: Listen to me you guys, Jess is by far the best person that I know, so if you guys let anything happen to her, I'm gonna come here and crazy murder you.
Schmidt: I'm gonna be honest with you. I did not hear a word you just said 'cause I can kinda see your party hats right now.
Nick: [reaches for the jar again] Here we go.

Jess: Oh, what am I doing? I can't go on a date, what if it's horrible, what if I have nothing to talk about?
Cece: Then you go to the bathroom and you call me and you tell me all about it.
Jess: Maybe I just shouldn't go.
Cece: Babe, you got hurt, that doesn't mean you stop trying. Okay? Okay. Let's go, come on. You gotta take off those overalls.
Jess: I was going for, like a, like a hot farmer's daughter kinda thing, you know like. "Oh, I'm to go milk my cows, with my bucket."
Cece: Take 'em off.
Jess: Okay, what am I going to wear?