Nick: Don't worry about it. I'm on it.
Winston: What do you mean, you're on it? You're gonna prank him, aren't you? I-I knew it! I knew it! You're gonna prank him. Hey, can I help you? I'm really good with pranks?
Nick: You may not help with the pranks.
Winston: Why not, man? I'm the best with the pranks, man. They call me "Prank Sinatra."
Nick: No, you call you Prank Sinatra.
Winston: Oh, come... 'Cause I am.

Jess: What did you do?
Nick: Well, he could try on 100 different pairs. It's not going to matter. The left heel is an eighth of an inch shorter on every single pair.

Winston: Oh, my God, you know what we should do? We should take those shavings, and then sprinkle them by his car.
Nick: Let me just get this clear. Take the little bit of dust...
Winston: Yeah, 'cause...
Nick: And go outside and put it near his car?
Winston: Yes.
Nick: That's not a prank.
Winston: Yes, it is.
Nick: That's just kind of littering.
Winston: His whole ride to work...
Nick: Okay, you're done.
Winston: He'd be thinking, like, "What?"
Nick: So we're pranking him so he thinks while we're not around, "What?" It's too small. You've got to go bigger than that.

Nick: Well, anyway, I got to fill this up with pee.
Jess: Ew! Why?
Nick: So I can pour it all over Schmidt's bed and make him think he's incontinent.
Jess: That's disgusting, Nick.
Nick: Hey, sometimes up close, art is ugly.

Schmidt: Okay, Jess, tonight, you're obviously gonna want to follow my lead.
Jess: I don't know how to tell you this... Um, they hate you.
Schmidt: That's crazy.
Jess: It is crazy... how much they hate you. Watch. Every time you say something, they're gonna change the subject immediately. That's how you tell if people hate you.

Schmidt: Oh, hey, I got to... I got to take this. ["answers phone"] Ferguson? Is that you? Yeah, t-tonight? Well, I mean... I made plans with... Well, look, if that's the comptroller's time line, then... that's the comptroller's time line. Well, hell, yes, send a car!

Winston: Man, I've never seen you work this hard at anything, ever.
Nick: That's because I care so much. I set an alarm for 5:00 a.m. so I could switch Schmidt's fiber pills with placebos.
Winston: Damn it, I want to care about something as much as you care about ruining Schmidt's life.
Nick: And where have you been all night, young lady? Jumping around to your hippity-hop? Taking your drug pills and smoking your hash stick? I'm actually asking... I'm not doing a thing right here.

Schmidt: Ooh, ay-ay-ay. I am cons-to-the-pizzo.
Nick: Hmm?
Schmidt: Constipated. I'm constipated.
Nick: Surprising. Here, sit down, relax, watch some TV.
Schmidt: What's the chair doing over here?
Nick: Just moved it.
Schmidt: Oh... gosh.
Nick: Turn it down, man! Turn it down! Turn it...
Schmidt: What?
Nick: It's too loud! Schmidt, you're blasting the TV, you maniac!
Schmidt: You can hear that?
Nick: It's blasting, Schmidt! Jess is trying to sleep!

Schmidt: Well, you know what, you were right. They hate me, and I know why they hate me, too. It's because I'm old, and they're the future of humanity, a pan-ethnic, pan-sexual hive mind, and they want nothing to do with me.
Jess: They're not that great, Schmidt. Last night, Chaz and Sutton got in a fight.
Schmidt: A lovers' quarrel?
Jess: Sutton and Chaz are not a couple.
Nick: Chaz is with Fife; Brorie's with, uh... the other broad.
Jess: Actually, Brorie, Sutton and Fife are in a triad, and Chaz is a floater.
Schmidt: They're poly-amorous? Damn it!

Schmidt: Jess, you've got to help me help them forget how old I am.
Jess: You're not old.
Schmidt: Then how do you explain this? [struggles to get up]
Nick: Use your legs, buddy.
Schmidt: Let me show you something.
Nick: Gonna hurt your back.
Schmidt: Look at this... I'm freaking shrinking!
Nick: [whispers to Jess] I took a photo of the wall, shrunk it down, made a copy at an architect's office. From there, it was just your basic spackle-and-silkscreen job.
Jess: I don't care, but... yay.
Nick: It's a weird life, but it's where I'm at right now.